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Thursday, January 20, 2005

How are you today?

"Hi, how are you?"

"Hey, how's it going?"

I recognize it as a courtesy. It is a divine question. No one ever fails to use it and somehow, it can exist in many different forms. Yes, I am referring to the two questions above. It may seem to you as a common, friendly gesture. However, when everyone uses it to the maximum, I feel that it becomes questionable to whether or not sincerity holds true to these words. I tend to view it differently by catching the tone of the question. One can distinguish sacarsm from truth. On numerous accounts, I have been asked this question hesitantly by those who know me. It is as though seeing me is a pain or an eye sore that they have to reluctantly greet me and ask how was I doing lately. Seriously, don't even bother asking how my day was if you do not want to talk to me or hear from me. I would not even bother asking you the same thing. Not that I despise the person, but we all have our own preferences in making friends, am I right? I would still greet with a "hello".

It is intriguing how this little question can be so much of thought to me. Perhaps, I have had too many negative thoughts lately. Perhaps, I have been meeting too many people with false pretenses. Whatever it is, I was climbing the mountain of thought for the past week, trying to find my way to the top. I did not succeed. Or did I? I do not know. Even if I did, the truth revealed has always been hurtful to some degree.

Sometimes I feel like I am the most lonely person in school. Yet, at times, I feel that I am doing pretty well with my not-so-popular social life. It is all coming back to me again. I had very few girl friends back in high school. I do not know why, but it seems that I am weird or I am deemed "unappropriate" or whatever it is. Sometimes, I wish the truth would just smack me in the face. But still, deep down in me, the fear is there. I am complicated. So complicated.

Now, back to the question - how was my day?

Nothing special happened. No one died. No one fainted. I did not cough in class. Yeap, recovering from my illness. I was hungry again as usual. Lots of homework? Nah, just a few more to go. School has not ended for me because I have a night class today. Not looking forward to it because it is three hours long and I have to walk in the cold to ETLC. Courses are pretty boring this semester. I just cannot wait to get home...home sweet home.

This is my answer. Almost the same everytime. I would say it in different ways, of course. Variety makes life not so dull. But then again, life is as it is. I have no choice but to go with the flow.

Looking back at the past, I realized how stupid I was in many things. It is too hard to list everything down. It would be like telling a lifetime story. Not now, but I will definitely live to the ripe age of 50 or above to tell it. It hurts but lessons in life were never a bed of roses. I wish to keep lots of friendships but somehow, a lot of them let go of it first. Although I still do not know the full truth, I can never forgive myself for being so naive and trusting to those cruel hearts. Everything should be fine now. Judging everything by its cover will only lift your expectations too high. I apologize if I have been babbling too much. You must understand a girl's whirling emotions.

Once, a friend questioned me about my conservative self. He asked me if I was not so adventurous? Well, I do not know if I am or not. But, to some extent, I would say I am balanced out. I would say, even the closest friend of mine does not know my true self. I have learnt that peers influence your interests greatly for a certain period of time, especially when you have no one else to hang out with but that person. However, one will get tired of it sooner or later, and reflect back on their own interests. I have become a victim of my own judgements. I feel like rooting myself to the ground. I feel like flying off to outer space where time will cease to exist so that I can drift away.

After all, I was always finding neverland.

Yun @ 5:27 AM | |

about me

Home: KL, Malaysia
School: U of A

I am someone who frets a lot - I call it a psychological disorder. I am constantly trying to escape my complex mind which, very often, drives me and my close companions to the edge of insanity. Born under the sun star Libra, I am greatly affected by a disease called "indecisiveness". Nicknames were never part of my dictionary until I met some people who decided to name me "turtle". Soon, I was representing a zoo of hamsters, "sotongs", pigs, cats, etc...

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