Monday, May 31, 2004
Relationship - courtship - love
Last night, I was watching Discovery Channel again. This time it was not about ants or trees or lions and snakes, it was a show featuring psychology and research on the feeling "love". Come to think of it, the western medical research people are very creative in coming up with different types of experiments for their research work. How does a woman get attracted to a man? She walks into a room where there are four very handsome guys and talks to them but only ONE of them will prick her love senses. There were many experiments that were used to study how human beings are attracted to each other and how the body and mind reacts to this feeling of love. Also, they studied mothers who gave birth to their first child. When shown pictures of their babies, they discovered more neural activity in the left side of the brain. So, things like that and experiments like those, the doctors managed to conclude with all sorts of theories to support their hypothesis in their experiments. Amazing.Anyway, nothing to blog today. I passed my Undang test! Let's see, I took 15 minutes to complete the test and only had four mistakes. Personally, I found the test quite difficult because I did not know how to answer some of the questions although they are basically just common-sense questions :p
Self-realization is the most painful feeling to ever have and that really applies to people who worry or think too much (like me too, Teng ^^). Anyway, be strong and stand up again, Teng! I will always be your friend no matter how much you have disappointed me or hurt my feelings :) Be happy kayz? *hug hug*
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Sexy!
I just came home from the cinema. Troy was not as good as I thought it would be. I found nothing really spectacular about it - just another war movie. The only feature that was interesting was the setting of the movie. I have always been intrigued by the Greek mythology and its legendary mark in world history. Throughout the whole movie,only the war scenes that featured Eric Bana and Brad Pitt were good (well, hot guys mar :P). The sex scenes were censored so...pretty much nothing else of the love affairs were interesting. At first, I thought the Trojan War was the war between the Greeks and the Romans but after today's movie, I realized it was only a war between the Greeks and the Trojans (silly me :P). Nevertheless, I recognized the famous Greek character, Achilles, as I did a research on Greek history and mythology before. Anyway, I was kept wide awake throughout the movie because of really sexy guys :P (and I DO NOT mean ORLANDO BLOOM). Personally speaking, I do not find Orlando Bloom handsome, or sexy, or hot, or whatever. He is just a pretty boy kind of guy, which is, not the kind of guy I would fall in love with (sorry, Orlando Bloom fans - it is a fact for me, at least). Disagree with me if you want, but I never fancied pretty boys :) Ooohh my eyes were constantly on Brad Pitt (yeeeowch!) Hey, I noticed he looked a lot bigger and muscular in this movie. Probably some camera tricks, oh but he is hot! Now that is what I call a man ^^ Eric Bana was real sexy too. The only difference was his calm and controlled manner which earned him his handsome stride - a handsome man of honour. Pitt was a little "lionish", fierce and gruesome, with killer eyes. NOw, this is what it takes to make a lady faint (at least for my part, seriously ^^). I do not need to describe any further - every girl LOVES Brad Pitt in one way or another (Just look at those muscles and that body - wow!) *Ahem* :PI have to get some sleep now. I will be sitting for my Undang test in the morning. Wish me luck! (Dreaming of my sexy man *faints*)
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Crowd mania
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Probably today was not a good day for a movie at 1 Utama because the queue-up was so LONG - I don't know how long. Just imagine it as long as Rapunzel's hair. Out of sheer luck, we managed to "cut queue" with the help of my sister's so-called friend. Anyway, the main shout then was the frustrating long queue and the annoying juniors from my school. Today marked the beginning of the school holidays, and that probably best explained today's crowd. Every turn or glance I made, I was bound to see someone from my secondary school. Sadly, none of them were my classmates or seniors - they were all "the juniors", who never once fail to annoy me in one way or another. A lady came up to me and asked if I could help her buy tickets for the movie Shrek. I helped her, of course. Her two sons might have cried out so loud for not being able to watch the cartoon. So, with my average command of the Cantonese language, I asked her what she needed. She's a nice lady, but I could tell her sons were the pampered kind.
We managed to catch the 4.30 pm show. The movie was funny, but I found it very predictable. The cat was soooooo cute! (Okay, here I go about cutie cutie stuff again. You were right sweetheart! There were lots of cute things in the movie! ^^) Oh, and the little puppy as well! Hehe, I liked how it covered its face when Shrek roared at it. The cat was just, really funny! Okay, okay hehe...I better control myself :p I will be watching Troy tomorrow with my family. I HOPE THERE WOULD NOT BE A MASSIVE CROWD. ^PLEASE^. I hate crowds. I like to walk around, do window shopping or real splurging with a moderate crowd. And I only shop with my mum or myself (or Chien of course, but I know he hates it since he likes to stay at home all the time :P). With a massive crowd, you get those girls staring and glaring at you like they want to put up a fight or something. They looked at me as though I stole their boyfriend or something - or I stole their make-up, jewellery, shoes, muahahhahaahahh! (Silly me)...Well, if there is something wrong with the way I dress - I don't give a bullshit about what you think because I am unique. So, you are three years younger than me and you are wearing high heels? Does that make you look any older than me? Why, I don't care because I am sweet sweet 18 and I am comfortable dressing my age, thank you :) Bluehhh (Don't mind me :P the crowd-mania just got to me and I am just babbling nonsensically). Glare at me again and I will STARE back at you AGAIN. HAHAHAHAHAAHHAA! *Ahem*
We had a nice family dinner at home today. Mum decided to cook dinner because, well, like I said, today was not a good day to be out there. Then, we changed the water in the vase. Mind you, there are guppy fishes in the vase as well. They actually gave birth to babies! There were about 12 of them but as the days passed by, we only found four still surviving at the bottom of the vase. When we changed the water, there were six baby guppies (awww they're sooooo cute!!!) still swimming gleefully around. The rest of them were dead :(
We should have took them out earlier to separate them from the bigger guppies. Here is a not-so-professional photo of the two vases - the smaller one containing the baby fishes and the bigger one containing the adult fishes. Also, I tried to take a close-up picture of the baby fishes but to no avail. If you can spot the baby fish in the picture, that proves that my sucky photography skills is not so sucky after all :p
Spot me! I am a cute little fishyyyyyy swimmming happillyyy in my new home! ^^
Friday, May 28, 2004
Meow
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Another heavy downpour for the week. I managed to take a dip in the pool this evening and completed 6 laps in total before the rain started. The water was not clean, but I needed the exercise (I think I am getting fat :p). A young Japanese boy ran hurriedly towards the pool and after throwing his towel on the chair, he immediately jumped in. It was such a pity when it started to drizzle. As he watched me and the others leave for home, he had a disappointed look on his face. Yes, I wanted to swim more too but the sky was turning dark and the big droplets from the sky were getting heavier by the minute. A young Caucasian mother quickly picked up her baby who was happily crawling on the floor, oblivious to the impending storm (awww the baby was so adorable ^^). She covered her baby's head with the towel and hurried home. I still remember how the baby was biting her keys when the mother walked past me. Urgh...why do I have such an obsession with babies...
I was studying for my Undang test just a while ago and came across the most ridiculous question in the book. Never mind that some questions already contain the answer in the question itself, but I feel that this particular one has no right answer to it.
Which is the main factor that can cause fatal accidents when driving at night?
A. Weather
B. Road
C. Driver
D. Vehicle
Now, seriously...if anyone were to answer this, regardless of common sense or some theory which I am definitely unaware of, or even some philosophical idea which, again, I am totally oblivious to...the answer would be C - driver. What the heck? I was thinking, "Hey, all the choices are right, damn it." I was forced to comprehend the logic of this question, and its answers. Why must it be the driver? Well, hey, it could be the road conditions, it does not mean that it is always the driver's fault for causing accidents "during the night". Well, it could be the weather as well. Visibility worsens at night if it is raining heavily and it is dark. So, why driver? What is the logic to this answer? Did they do some kind of survey that proves this answer right? @.@ (Haha...I closed the book after that and went to read the newspapers).
I was browsing through some blogs recently and it really was an eye-opening experience to read some really exceptional blogs. :) Most of these great writers are students in UK or Spain or Australia. So, far I have not found one from Canada yet. Looks like I am the only one who is silly enough to go to such a far away place for my studies (to a place which is really COLD too) :p
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Ring-u
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~It is raining. What a relief to feel the air saturated with moist again. After weeks of tormenting heat waves, the weather has decided to take on a new path. Yes, I have missed the rainstorm. I recalled how I tried to remember this rainstorm when I was studying in cold Canada - the sounds of the rain pattering against the window, how the winds howl, the booming sounds of thunder and flashes of lightining. The sight of rain just gives me more comfort. It just feels more like home now. Suddenly, I feel a slight sillyness of praising the rain. I know some people dislike this gloomy weather. With rain, all outdoor activities will be cancelled, driving conditions worsens, gloomy moods take over...but to me, I love rain. I would love to cuddle in bed later with a good book to read. It is the best time to rest when it is a rainy day and what more can it be than a perfect day to finish up a nice novel peacefully.
My sis wanted to watch The Ring (American version) this afternoon. Since I had nothing else important to do for the rest of the day, I decided to watch it with her. After all, I have only seen the Japanese version Ringu and I am curious to find out why there were thumbs-down for the American version. All in all, I prefered some parts that were shown in the Japanese version. The American version did not explain much about the story of the girl and the curse. I also felt the cursed video in the Japanese version was more freaky. Also, the way the victims died were scarier - I really freaked out at the sight of their twisted faces. However, one simple thing I want to point out - the American version was not so boring. I realized Japanese horror movies tend to be really slow-moving, long-winded...well, basically SLOW, not to mention, the korean horror movies as well (urgh). Remember the Japanese ghost show Dark Water? Now, that was really SLOW. But, it was nice. I liked that movie. Haha.
I spent the rest of the day studying for my Undang test. I really hope I can pass. Weird enough, I am still slow at understanding the Malay questions and answers. I feel weird sometimes not knowing how to converse or understand the national language. I guess it takes time, since I have been studying in English for the past two years. The influence is very strong (and I was never really keen on scoring for my Malay papers :P). Once I am over with the examination this Saturday, I am done! Hopefully, I can pass and then I can start my driving lessons. Yay!
Monday, May 24, 2004
What's going on, mate?
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Somebody please stop me from worrying. I need to kill my mind. For no particular reason, I worry suddenly of my next academic year in Canada. I'm worried I might not get a place at HUB residence, I will face difficulty in moving my stuff into my new residence, I worry about my love life, my studies, EVERYTHING...@.@
Yes, I hear thunder. It is going to RAIN. NO more massive heat waves to torture our lives (at least for today). I should start studying for my Undang test. I have not even look through the sample questions. I need to get over with it quickly - as soon as possible. Dad says he wants to let me practise driving on the road first so that I will get used to the steering wheel and the brakes. I don't know how that is going to work because I am NOT sitting in that CAR to practise my driving. It is too scary. Too big. Too...erm...scary for me. Still, I can't wait to learn how to drive though ^^
An important guest arrived early at my house this morning. I was quite unaware of today's "important" appointment and so was abruptly woken up by my mum. With much cloudiness surrounding my head, I walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth but I ended up dozing off while taking a pee. (Yes, it is funny - even I found it quite hilarious). As usual Mum's loud bangs on the door never failed to bring me back to reality. Apparently, I had to be awake because a Feng SHui master is coming to see the house and do some prayers. Master Yap Cheng Hai (I don't know if that's how you spell his name :P) came at 9.30 am. He is a friendly old man, skinny but still strong. I never thought my parents would decide to call a Feng Shui master to view the house. Well, it is not very surprising though, after all, our house was just renovated and we need to do some prayers for the well-being of the family. Everything was good except my sister's room. I do not know the reason he asked me to remove the Barbie dolls in the display cabinet but after much pondering, I started to freak out. It was something bad, but he did not really say much (I'm gonna keep those dolls in a box and seal them). Whatever the reason may be, it was for a good cause. So, everything was smooth-sailing and the prayers ended at 11.00 am. Mum asked if I had anything to ask the master (something about my lovelife :P) but I was too shy. I guess, a part of me wanted to hear something yet I felt I rather not hear them if it is no good. Natural human behaviour - always trying to deny and hide the bad news :P
I am still young with unstable emotions and crazy moods. I tend to think that everything that I want in life must be perfect, good and everlasting. Yes, that is my immature mind. It applies to the same in relationships but realizing I am reaching my twenties soon, I should no longer follow this perspective of mine. When we were young, looks were everything in a partner. Good looks, good charm, good brains....etc. Puppy love was all that struck our silly little hearts. Blinded to all else, we fail to see that there is more to those good stuff when choosing a companion. Nevertheless, I would not deny that looks are still an important quality that everyone searches for. Who wants to see an ugly face everyday? That is why it takes a lot of truth and sincerity for those who look for inner beauty. I really admire those couples who do not care about appearances and who love each other for who the are. Well, it takes time to reach this level. I know I am not quite there yet but I am not saying I don't love my sweetheart for who he is ^^ *hug hug* In my case, I would say, if I can live comfortably and lovingly with a person, there is nothing else that really matters :)
Abuse
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Abuse. This time a shocking news hits the nation. A case that will be written in history. An abuse that will shame each and every one of us. It is inhumane. Her pictures are in every single newspaper, revealing her inhuman act against a foreign worker - a young girl who only wishes to work for a living. Yet, the poor Indonesian girl lived a nightmarish life when she came to work for a rich, chinese family. We cannot understand why the abuser inflicted such horrific acts on to the servant, Nirmala Bonat, but we do know that no matter what the reason is, she still deserves to face a penalty. Pictures of the wounded worker were also shown in the newspapers and believe me, when I saw it, I felt anger. It is such a shame to see one human causing harm to its own kind. It is just as bad a killing someone but in this case, the physical and mental hurt inflicted on the servant is of no comparison to a murder case. It is in fact, an act WORSE than killing. It is pure EVIL. People were saying it probably happened because of some personal affairs. The abuser, who was a housewife looking after four children aged between eight years and nine months, might have had her own family problems and suffered from depression. Naturally, readers like to make their own comments, speculate among their friends or discuss the reasons behind the abuse. I have heard it could be a cause where the husband's abuser could have cheated or did not care about her and the family. So, the ignored housewife could have unleashed her anger and frustration on the servant. She might even be a little ill upstairs, who knows? Poor thing. The case is still under investigation and I would not want to make any conclusions. She may have been wrong to cause such harm, yet her reasons might be justifiable. Nevertheless, she still needs to face some punishment. I feel that it is fair enough for a punishment as she had caused the servant to lose a body part - her nipples. The sad fact is that her nipples will never grow back. Basically, the servant is scarred for life, physically and mentally. Burn scars on her chest, her back and her face - It is such a pity...I wonder how the Indonesians will take into account after this event. It is a crime yes, but sometimes crimes spells revenge and I definitely hope it would not happen. Shame? Yes, extreme shame - a wealthy, Chinese family has no right to mistreat another human being like that. I wonder if the children ever saw how their mother abused the servant. I wonder how they would they understand what they saw before their eyes.
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Language confusion
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~I suffered 5 hours of a tiresome lecture today. It was not a total bore but I would say it was quite lame. Maybe I could not understand the jokes made by the instructor. Everyone was laughing except me. It took me quite a while to comprehend his manglish. NO offence or anything - all I am trying to say is his language was all mixed up. It was quite frustrating. Sigh. Now, I am sick - the flu bug decided to pay me a visit this time, at a time when I am vulnerable. Yes, I get sick easily when I am depressed. I feel a heavy cloud in my head now...urgh~~
After Mum and Dad picked me up from the driving school, we went to Mid Valley to have dinner. I was too hungry to decide where to eat. So, we went to the nearest restaurant suggested by my sister - SUSHI KING. Then, we visited the shop, "The World of Feng Shui". I have always wondered how effective feng shui is. To believe or not to believe - that is the question. I did not really believe it but as time passed by (probably some influence by my mum too), I started to realize there were true results in the end. Even the greatest shopping complex was built based on the advice of a famous Feng SHui master. And look at the bloody complex. It is earning big bucks like never before. Anyway, I stepped into the shop and noticed a whole bunch of different books stacked on my right. Horoscopes were not a trend. Neither were they something I took a 100% belief in. HOwever, I still tend to read them for fun. Curiosity kills sometimes, especially when it touches on your life, your health, your lovelife...(hehehe). I was reading my chinese horoscope and my sweetheart's horoscope. Well, we are not the best companion but close to the best ^^. The only thing that makes us incompatible is our elements. According to Feng Shui, there are five elements in the cirlce of life - Fire, Water, Earth, Wood and Metal. They form a productive as well as a destructive cycle. It is a yin-yang relation. So, naturally or literally speaking, water destroys fire, metal destroys wood (it's like an axe chopping the wood) and...the list goes on. My sweetie is the metal monkey and I am, unfortunately a wooden Ox. Haha. So I am constantly being "destroyed" by him. There were actually a lot more to it but I was lazy to read it. THat puny book costs RM 20!! What a rip-off! I still believe that it all depends on each individual to make the relationship a happy one. Am I right, sweetheart? *hug hug*
Saturday, May 22, 2004
I am that good friend
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Trodding out of my life was truth. I stumbled upon a familiar feeling, which I did not realize, has disturbed me for the past few years. Few years. It has been a long time. Probably it was just me. Probably it was just me giving too much. I realized, I have suppressed my ownself for others that I love dearly. Yes that is a sacrifice I have to make. No complaints - I never did. True enough, they come and they go. Disappointment prevails throughout the years as they leave without the least gratitude. Who is asking for a change? I did not ask for it. I did not want it. So, it is just a matter of time for me to accept it. After all, I am only human. I am not here to tell a story. I am here to tell the truth. Expectations are for the ambitious ones. I hold expectations - expectations that only regard to myself. What is this good friend doing in life? What is a good friend? She is not asking for anything. She only wants everyone to be happy, she wishes to have a circle in life which never breaks. She never had one of those. There was one but it was full of indecencies that brought to a crack in the ring. Life is so unpredictable, they say. But now, I feel it is so predictable. It is but a fool before my eyes, that stumbles in front of me everytime I look into the mirror, that face which shows such horrific feelings, telling me the TRUTH. What is there to look forward to? Life itself brings no joy without the reciprocal of love, friendship, joy. Reciprocation. It is a word. A word yet to be discovered by me. No reciprocation to render. No joy to seek. No trust to feel. No love to devour. I am that good friend. I am that which the fool speaks.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
So much for the fame
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Everything happens for a reason. So, why does the SEASA president wants to resign all of a sudden? Personally, I think these people are very childish when it comes to these matters. I am not saying that the president is wrong to do so. Even so, if he knew this was coming, and he knew he was going to deal with this other annoying executive for the whole year, why even bother running for the position? To me, a respectful and distinguish president is a person who knows the meaning of responsibility, who understands his capabilities well to run the whole club, who is not easily put down by little disputes within the club and who knows his role as a leader. A leader has to lead. And I do not see this leadership trait in the president after receiving news of his sudden resignation. He says he is fed-up and can no longer commit to the club and its people. WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL SOME PRESIDENT CAN GIVE A REASON LIKE THAT? I am struck by utmost disappointment. As an executive member of the club, I feel that we should all discuss any unhappy cause and not just make hasty decisions like resigning without a proper reason. I just got back from a tiring game of badminton with Chee Son, Eugene and William. Well, I am still quite lousy at badminton compared to those guys. Still, I played on even though I made so many mistakes in the game. If Tj, ken and ding dong boy were present it would have been more fun, just like the old days. Sigh, those were the days. I received a call from a friend of mine just now. I am starting to suspect all his calls at weird times, and not to mention, many times in a day too. I just do not want to face the results. Every time a good guy friend of mine has to turn out this way for some reason. And in the end I lose all my friends. The truth is, it has not been a happy holiday for me ever since I got back. I have noticed lots of changes in my friends. It feels so different now and sometimes I just reminisce the past and start to think if anything rooted from there. Now, I just don't feel like seeing anyone anymore. I know I cannot expect much. I have been away for a year, and I will be away for another four years...I am so disturbed by this. Last night, with tears wetting my pillow, I thought of all my friends, and I started to judge myself, my beginning, my ending, my love whom I miss so dearly...I am losing one by one slowly and just the thought of you leaving me can break my heart a million times. I just wish you would never return home for good yet. I just wish you would stay with me still. I know I need to trust you more, but somehow, just you being such an angel never fails to leave me with thoughts of others seeking to love you as well. Do you know how much you mean to me? You mean more than the whole world itself even when darkness rules the world, you're the light in my life. And maybe one day, when I am away, you will meet another cute baby angel, and you will love her instead of me. I am so confused. I want to stop these thoughts, please. Help me. =_(
I really love you, I really do and I will never stop. Please, forgive me. I know I always "kek sei lei". I don't mean to.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Toasted!
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Drastic measures need to be taken to stop the immense heat waves from causing harm and distress to the citizens of Malaysia!!! It is like a realm of flames outside. I can feel every nerve-breaking heat wave eating away my flesh whenever I open the house door to step outside. This is worse than I thought. To think I actually missed the hot weather sets me on a laughing spree. How can anyone stand the heat? I cannot imagine the people walking outside surviving this crazy sun. I already feel faint in the car, where there is air-conditioning, and yet there are women who are covered from head to toe walking happily in this hot weather. Truthfully speaking, I never understood how those Malays who wear "baju kurung" can survive the heat everyday. I rest my case. Here I am in a comfy home with the fans and air-conditioners at full blast and yet I am sweating like a pig. Even mum says the weather suddenly turned so hot. Did I bring much snow and cold air from Edmonton that forced the weather here "to turn up the heater"? Okay, that's enough. A whole post of a weather complaint is going to bore everyone including myself. Now, my digital camera is back in handy! I have taken pictures of my new house, which is currently still in a BIG MESS. I shall upload them pretty soon. The carpenters are dragging on the work. It should have finished last week, but they made quite a number of mistakes and so they have to touch-up and redo some parts. Dad is back from Dublin. He seems pretty busy - constantly thinking and doing things, as though there was some kind of working computer in his mind. Mum has been nagging me quite a bit :p I have been pretty lazy sometimes while helping around the house. My heels hurt so much that I could hardly walk. Fortunately, everything except the television and DVD player is up in the new house. We have to return the house that we rented temporarily to the landlord tomorrow. That is why we are rushing to move everything back up. Phew! My grades are out! I did quite badly this term but still I had an overall GPA of 2.72 (calculated myself). I am quite satisfied with it. Nevertheless, I know I can do much better next time. Sigh. Still so many things on my mind. You. It hurts.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
When he loved me...
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~She told me how difficult it was to live with the absence of her loved one. I acknowledged it by telling her that I am going through the same situation. Tears began to roll down her cheeks. She cries with such sorrow. I could feel her heart crush every time she tries to say his name. I asked her to reminisce the happy moments she spent with him, those wonderful times where only two people in love cherish. She gave a weak smile as she wipe the tears that overflow from her eyes. Accepting her need for a listening ear, I held her hand and smiled back at her. With a little sniff, she told me how they first met. They never really knew each other until they discovered they were in the same class. There was a time where she felt sick and he, as a caring friend, gave her some medicine for the time being. She said she felt so touched. She could feel a little shyness and tenseness in her heart as she stepped into his house to collect the medicine yet she hid it somewhere and denied its existence. For some reason, she felt so happy. Yet, she never bothered to discover what was in store for her deep down in that feeling. Days went on to months, she never really saw him again after school ended. Now she realized how much she wanted to see him again. But he had left school. There was little chance to meet up again. She giggled as she said how she was always thinking of a way to meet up with him. To call would be a little obvious, so the only way was through internet chat. Each time online, she had the strong urge to just message him. Sometimes he does not reply, but soon enough, they started chatting quite a bit online. The best part was when he suggested to turn on the webcam. She had stopped crying. She sat there with a familiar smile on her face, telling me how excited she was but only realized the glee that struck her heart after their conversation ended. She looked at me and said, "That's when I realized I have feelings for this guy." Then, she lowered her head, looking down at the pillow in her hands. She was quiet for a while. Then, she let out a small sigh. She said that there were so many moments with him that she cannot forget - times where there were subtle hints and so-called dates that were actually late night suppers, the morning where he confessed, held her hand, kissed her and spent the night together. Her tears came rolling down again. She cried as she told me how she wanted to be in his arms again, to hold his hands, to hug him and to be lost in love again...Such a pity that one has to suffer such pain. I could say no more. She said if she had one wish, and that wish could be anything, she would turn back time and live those moments again. Back then, it was a mutual relationship. Now, all she can do is think of him all day and night, always wondering what he is doing, if there is another flower blooming at his place, if his love for her is dying. As I look into her eyes, I knew that this was no puppy thing. I saw the sadness and the deep love in her heart, so deep that it cuts her day by day and yet, she stays strong and alive...because she loves him. Yes, there are people who commit suicide for the lost of their love. She said she would not resort to suicide, but knowing herself better than anyone could, she said her life will change dramatically. It will be drained off. Everything will not matter to her anymore. She would probably stay alive for the sake of her family who loves her dearly but her heart dies instantly because she has given everything to him. And when the heart dies, all else in her soul dies for true love has left. True, we will never know where he is, what he is doing, if there is another girl in his bed, in his house, holding his hand, doing things that we used to do together - there is nothing that we can do. I told her that sometimes I wish I did not fall in love with him. Because I knew it would be forever, I could not help but drift off with the current. And now, we are separated by a separation that could destroy us both forever. I gave her a hug and told her that I have to go. My mind went blank. My tears spilled out.
Monday, May 10, 2004
Good ol' mum :)
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Today we celebrated Mother's day. Dad is not around so the girls in the family went with mum to One Utama - the magnificently improved shopping complex. It is exciting! Now that I have experienced walking around the new wing, I foresee many more visits to this complex. I love shopping here in my home country. Back in Canada, the fashion is just odd. Probably it is just me. The difference in culture affects the lifestyle of the people and I am pretty sure my cultural roots are still intact. We had a long shopping day with mum today. Sis was not very keen on walking around too much. She gets bored easily when shopping - not her definition of a fun and exciting activity. To me, shopping with mum was never a bore. In fact, mum's taste in fashion is good for me. We like to see the same stuff and although it is tiring, we ladies still finish the job. Jusco had a special give-away today in conjunction with Mother's Day. Pretty carnations were given out free for each receipt that was above RM 50.00. Mum collected three pretty red carnations! We came back at three in the afternoon and did not waste any further time to start unpacking. I finished unpacking the encyclopedias and the abundant storybooks into my sister's room. Technically, it is my room too but I insisted on having my own room. That room of mine is actually a guest room. Very simple - just a bed and two simple cabinets and a desk. My sister's room was designed. It is a very beautiful room. So, we spent the whole afternoon cleaning and unpacking. That is why I could not reply your message, sweetie! *kiss* Then, we went out for dinner with a friend and his family. Yummy! We had crab for dinner! I cannot remember the last time I ate crab. A few minutes ago, I received shocking news from my mum. I felt so angry. In fact, I am still disturbed by it. I wonder how can a child give such cold and cruel treatment towards her mother. Raised with care, whims and fancies always approved, pampered with a mother's love for her child, and yet, in return, no gratitude or respect shown. She is a selfish, self-centered girl who does not know the value of money. When we were young, we used to play together. I still remember how those times the family was still stable and peaceful. There were no big disputes that drew everyone to turn their separate ways. Now, it is only loneliness and pity that surrounds the mother. I felt the sadness when I heard her voice on the phone, asking us if we had dinner already. It is Mother's Day, and the daughter is not around - she is a bad child if she did not call home to wish her mum. The husband is a meandering, selfless, alcoholic fish who is ignoring her. Sigh. I still think that a child should not treat her mother this way even if she is not a good mother or she was the sole reason that brought distress to the child. There are exceptions of course in which mothers disown their own daughters, or threaten to kill them, or any form of hatred that forces a child to ignore his/her mother for good. In most cases, these children have someone else to call a mother. Thinking of it just saddens my heart even more. Moreover, I discovered lots of changes in my family ties. One is not talking to another, the other is backstabbing someone, bla bla bla.... I dare not comment on such political issues embedded within family relationships. It just gets me wondering everytime how some can be so shallow to not understand the importance of family bonds, respect, compromisation, love....At times like this, I just shake my head and do like I always do - pray for harmony and peace in everyone's hearts. Oh well. I have lots of catching up to do with my relatives and friends! I will probably be working for my Dad too. Just to fill up the free time. It would be good work experience for me and I can earn a small income! They say RM 800 is not enough but it is really a lot to me!!
Saturday, May 08, 2004
I'm home again!
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Finally, home at last. I had the scorching, hot weather to greet me as I stepped out of the airport. I was literally perspiring the whole time from the airport to inside the house. Bless us all for having the invention of the supreme heat destroyer - the air-conditioner. Without it, I might have been melted snow at the doorstep of my house. The renovation in my house is not complete. So, I settled down at the unit, which my parents rented temporarily. It is just located below my house. It feels good to be back home. The television, the sofa, the playstation and the beds are all victims of mine - my deprived state. I went up to take a look at the house and my oh my, everything has changed! Better still, I have my own room. After so long, my wish came true. It took much effort to shift up the boxes and furniture last night but luckily we had help from six Indian workers. I spent the night upstairs in my room. It was so comfortable and I had a really good night's sleep. The renovation should be fully completed by next week and then we can move everything up again. Still, there will be loads of cleaning up and unpacking to do. Dad is not around to help out for these four days. He left for Dublin on a business trip this morning. From my observations, both my family and the environment has changed a lot. Dad's absent-mindedness is becoming very bad. My sister has grown so much over the year. Mum is still pretty much herself except for being occasionally paranoid. This is home. And I am home. Still, one such person whom I miss so much everyday, who can complement my life for eternity, is not here with me. Sigh
Friday, May 07, 2004
The journey home
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~
4th May 2004 – Edmonton Airport
I told myself not to surrender to my tears. I hugged and kissed my sweetie goodbye, walked into the departure hall and went through the security customs. Fortunately, everything was clear and I was set free. I walked in further, kept looking to my right to see my sweetie, and as I walked further on, passed the walls that separated the both of us, the tears rolled down my cheeks. I lost the battle. It was at this instant that I realized I should not cry like a baby in public and so I bucked up the courage to continue the walk to the gate.
My mind was blank. I sat down feeling lost and helpless. It broke my heart to feel his touch so distant. Nothing will be the same again. Those 10 days were so wonderful, so comfortable, and so heavenly. I yearned so much to see him once more but it was impossible. My flight to Vancouver was delayed for about 10 minutes. No big deal. Only 24 passengers were on the plane and that lighten me up a little as there was more space for comfy rest. I slept throughout the journey. If I did not rest, I would have damaged my mind by overloading it with sad thoughts.
4th May 2004 – Vancouver International Airport
I arrived at Vancouver International Airport at 8.15 pm. My stomach was grumbling and I found some Japanese food to eat. Chicken udon soup and a bottle of water for the journey. Sadly, due to my carelessness while rushing to call my sweetie, I forgot about my water bottle. It was gone when I went back to find it. That stupid plastic thing filled with H2O was a mean $2.29. I was on the phone with mum for about half an hour. It was quite a tiring conversation but I shall not make a big commotion out of it. After all, I am coming home. Everyone is excited. A part of me is excited and the other part of me is crushed. I called my sweetheart and we talked for about an hour. I felt so reluctant to put down the phone. Now, we can only share everything through phone calls. Damn. How am I suppoze to live like this?
Four more hours and I am out of here. I am feeling a little dizzy and tired now. Airplane rides were never memorable. They screw up everything from eating times to sleeping times. It can get extremely frustrating. How long is this journey again? Ten hours? Wow. Wish me luck. Well, I guess it should be alright as I am flying with Cathay Pacific this time - better service, comfortable seats, and delicious meals. You are still on my mind. It is so hard for the both of us. Good things never last in life, they say. This is one of those good things that a person in love can have for a while. I wonder what is going to happen. I love this guy. I do not want to let go. Yet there are so many thoughts razing my mind. I need him so badly. I just need him. So many moments shared…why does love have to hurt this way?
At gate 54D, I sat down quietly anticipating the call for boarding. I looked around me and saw tired bodies laying down on the seats. I am tired but I do not want to sleep yet. I have to look after my belongings. I can have all the sleep I want on the plane. Probably the only soul that is still awake is a four-year-old little girl and her grandfather who is walking her around. She has a pretty face – rosy and sweet. Speaking of pretty faces, I am expecting a whole session of tiring comments about my face that I have heard for the past 5 years of my eruptive teenage life. Trust me, it is the weather change that brings the zits back from the dead. The flu is getting to me, a little cough here and there and it is my fault for not taking good care of it, so to speak. Maybe I was crying too much. As soon as I got reached the gate, I rushed to a phone booth and made a phone call back to Edmonton again. Crying helplessly, I poured over the phone. It was silly, I know I should be strong. “Everything will be okay,” he says. I just needed to here that one more time to reassure myself that I can do this.
I have been watching very disturbing movies lately. One of them was Cabin Fever. Three was not disturbing but a little out of the movie block. How pathetic can a ghost movie be without a proper plot? The best horror movie seen was The Eye because it had a good storyline. Producers just do not get the idea that a seeing a horror movie is so different than seeing a real ghost scenario. A movie needs a plot. The real life scene does not. It is already a plot within itself. It is reality. Making those scary appearances is not enough. It is the story that keeps the suspense going. Well, I have to admit that some of those scenes in the movie made me jump but still, it was not interesting to call it a good movie. In short, it was DEAD BORING. I found the second story not too bad though. Is it true that you can bring someone back from the dead like that? Can resurrection happen after three years of abundant Chinese medicinal herbs? Whoa. Talk about the power of love.
Never play God. Godsend was a movie that featured the consequences of playing God, which, in today’s aspect of the phrase, means cloning and genetic revolutionary. Forced by love to bring their son “back from the dead”, a persuasion by a genius scientist got a couple to agree on the experiment. Little did they know that inside the new son’s gene lies a terrible, horrible secret, unleashing night terrors and a total change in their once happy life. One word for this movie – DISTURBING.
6th May 2004 – Hong Kong International Airport
First thing I did after I passed the security customs – made a phone call. I found one of those touch-screen phone/internet machines near the shops. I could not wait any longer. I made the phone call using my credit card instead of looking around for a foreign exchange booth to get some Hong Kong dollars first. Eleven hours without the presence of my sweetie’s voice – I almost went insane on the plane. I am feeling much better now. Probably the tiring journey made me feel homesick. I am much closer to home now at least. Just four more hours and I will be home. It was so warm on the plane. As far as I remembered, my previous trips on an airplane were horribly uncomfortable because of the icy cold surroundings. I should have packed a T-shirt with me. I am not comfortable wearing a spaghetti strap top today. I am just not in the mood. Sigh
Currently, I am entering a state at which the mind just shuts down. My mood has been extremely disturbed by the fact that I am so far away from my sweetie now. I am angry. I really am. I do not know why, though. Why? =(
The weather in Hong Kong is a cool 23 degrees Celsius. A woman sitting a few seats away from me has a mask covering her mouth. I am suppose to fear the contagious airborne disease, SARS, yet I just am not bothered. My emotions are like a whirlwind terrorizing me right now. I miss him so much. I miss my family too. I want to go home. But I also feel like taking the next flight back to Canada. It is such a torture. I am expecting comments, which I know, will break my nerves. I have already heard it yesterday over the phone from Mum. What can I do? Pretend to listen as I shut my ears.
My computer is running out of battery. I guess the journey ends here. I cannot say now if I really look forward to going home. After all, coming home this time was accompanied by a great loss. Farewell.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Cabin Fever
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~*shivers*
I just watched Cabin Fever with my sweetie. We rented a few DVDs - enough movies to entertain us for the next two days. That movie was disturbing - the way the disease got to everyone, the way they died...
Also, it had a weird ending. In fact, I did not understand what the ending was. The last victim did not explained properly how he got the disease and yet he knew it was spreading through the town's reservoir. Unfortunately, after concluding that they cannot handle this kind of situation, the deputy and doctors just dumped him by the riverside to let him rot and die. That showed they did not have much common sense as the river was also the source of water for the people in town. Well, if something like that happens, I guess it would be just as bad as the movie portrayed. My sweetie just told me about a somewhat similar situation in a small, remote town in Canada. It was the Ecoli virus that wiped out almost everyone in that town though. Still, it is scary. A situation like that is so vulnerable, especially when it is contagious through transfer of fluid - sex and drinking water. For one thing, I always boil my drinking water. People here in North America are used to drinking from the taps. I still think it is pretty unsafe. Or maybe it is just the way I was brought up in this sense. Water in Malaysia is like tea, except it is not as healthy as tea. It is of no surprise that we do not drink from the taps back home. Hey, it just got me thinking, where are all the enviromental engineers in Malaysia?
I am pretty happy with myself for composing the bass music chords of this chinese song, which SEASA is going to perform for the cultural night event. It is my first time composing it all by myself without any help from teachers. Back in Hamilton, I remembered having a teacher to teach me the chords first before I made my own improvisation. It is my self-achievement and I am ready to try it with more songs. My next aim - singing and playing the piano. It is hard but I will definitely give it a try.
Four more days to home! Yes, there is excitement...and heldbacks too. Sigh I guess if we are really meant for each other, we will stay true. For I know I am going to just study hard and finish up my degree. No more daydreaming, romanticising, flirting - because I have found my everything and there is nothing else that matters besides getting a degree.
about me
Home: KL, Malaysia
School: U of A
I am someone who frets a lot - I call it a psychological disorder. I am constantly trying to escape my complex mind which, very often, drives me and my close companions to the edge of insanity. Born under the sun star Libra, I am greatly affected by a disease called "indecisiveness". Nicknames were never part of my dictionary until I met some people who decided to name me "turtle". Soon, I was representing a zoo of hamsters, "sotongs", pigs, cats, etc...
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