Saturday, February 28, 2004
...
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Sorry...for the overpowering messages in my last entry. Phew. I'm glad that I poured everything here. I might have destroyed everything in my room if I didn't resort to lashing the frustration out in words.
It's a Friday! Bad news is there's midterm on Monday...and also more studying ahead...
Stressed. That's the only thing that keeps bugging my life for these past 8 years. Studies, future, friends, boyfriend...the fear still lies within me. I can't comment it out here. It's trapped inside my heart.
Thursday, February 26, 2004
STOP
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Once, I saw the wrong heart. Once, I saw the wrong man. But this vision was blurred and was only wiped away after a period of time to reveal its clear shadows. Is it the fault of my eyes? Mine eyes are not perfect. Is it the fault of my heart? There is no mistake of the heart when you fall in love. The only mistake you'll discover is the wrong man to fall in love with. Is that such a big deal? Is that such a nuisance to you? I am who I am. I don't need you to tell me not to cry again if the same scenario happens again. I don't need you to tell me that I'm immature enough to be smitten by love again. Love? What do you know about love. Do you want me to know what it is? What if I tell you I know what it is but it's gone looking for another life because the previous one died? Oh am I suppoze to stick to one forever and mourn over it. Get a life. You don't have one? Oh, but I do.
I see. Aha. Asking me not to hurt "us" anymore? What is "us"? I don't understand that language.
Oh, so "us" is GUYS?
Aha. I am the black widow spider who is constantly planting the sting in every male victim of mine. I never knew I was so venomous. Hurt? Are you the only one feeling the hurt? Aha. Question is...are you aware of the hurt that I felt all this while? Question again...are you aware of my needs? Answer? Oh, I'm suppoze to let you know what I want and not bottle it up. Bottling is my game, don't you see? The point is you don't even know how to please and give a girl what she wants as a man. So, again lies the fact that it's my fault for bringing you into all this? Brought you to feel cheated? Oh, yes...so I cheated on you? So, I was love-smittened again after 3 weeks it ended? Oh, am I forbidden to do that in love? Or is it more like...it's wrong to do that in your world?
Hmm, so I'm having the love disorder here. Let's see. Oh yea...I'm having quite an ill mind too, eh? Yeah. So, I'm suppozedly the crazy girl who cheated on your feelings because I couldn't make up my mind if I'm ready or not. Oh wait, my heart says something...if my heart is ready for you...I wouldn't even think twice on considering the relationship...that means there is something wrong with YOU that I'm not comfortable with!
Hurt? Hah. What do you know. I tell you what hurt is for me. Hurt is when I've realized I've made a mistake and hurt another person. No? Hurt is when I finally found someone whom I thought can give me everything I want but at long last doesn't fulfill my needs. Hurt because someone you love found someone else (better)? Come on. This is the real world. Someone else is better than you? Well, that simply means that you couldn't be as good as the others that she needed. The truth of the simple, real world. That's what I like about reality. Live up to your expectations in an ideal world and you'll never see the end of your misery. What? Am I suppoze to show pity towards you? I did not appreciate you enough, did you say? Well, TAKE A LOOK AROUND and discover why I didn't show enough appreciation.
Oh yes...HURT. I hurt when I know I can't give the man I love what he needs. I hurt when I can't forgive and let go off my past that haunts me. I hurt when everytime he touches me, I shiver and pray silently that he doesn't hurt me...I hurt when I look into his eyes and realize that I disappoint the love that we're bound to discover. I hurt when I know that I can't willingly let free of my emotions through my soul and body because I am terrified, drowned in fear each time I look into his eyes. My body is trapped and so is my heart.
Don't act as if you're so good at this that you can tell me not to come crying. Do you think I'll come crying to you? You must be out of your mind. STOP all the nonsensical reasonings you try and put yourself through to find fault in me and not look at your own flaws. STOP telling me what to do. I hate that. STOP being immature. Get a new look at your own life...at your ownself. No more hellos...no more goodbyes. It's enough. Too much is too much. Criticize me in public for all I care. Go ahead and tell everyone how pitiful you were to be left by the bitch aka "me". Announce to the world that I'm the bad guy ooo...and while you do this...I wish you good luck. I don't need to care even if I'm a bitch to you, or I'm the black widow spider who stung you so badly, because all I need to know now is that I'm his baby angel and I will always be. Even if the baby angel falls, I will be strong and search for a new road. Unlike the rest, where you mourn and publicize the sadness...immatureness just prevails in this action. Just one word and everything will be fine...STOP.
~Please do mind my language or my thoughts in this post as it was written with much anger and frustration after days of observation and experience from someone's words. I apologize if there were anything offensive.~
Monday, February 23, 2004
A new dream
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~It's back-to-school business tomorrow. I really don't look forward to school after having such a memorable and great holiday. Not to mention I have to face my worse nightmare tomorrow - PHYSICS MIDTERM. I've been studying, but not as hard as I should. So, I'm expecting to do average on this test. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean I'm giving up already as I still have one more night to go and I will work my ass through this. I did badly on ENCMP...I can't even finish my third assignment. It is really stressful to remind myself of all these but I just can't help but remind myself of the fun, the discovery and excitement that I've been through this whole holiday week.
I've discovered a deep secret that has changed my perspective of everything that I've ever owned before or been through. I've discovered that I've had so much to see because of this new dream that came true. Since, it was only a dream that I could only force myself into everytime I think about it, I never thought it would reciprocal in the end. I took a big step that lead me to believe what I am capable of and I don't need to worry about how others will judge me. I don't need to be told what to do or that I should accommodate for other people's satisfaction. It's my life... and this new dream has brought me reason to be tingled and smitten again. Why should I be judged just because I allow a new dream to come true after having a nightmare? It's my happiness...and my world...I choose what dreams to come and when they should come. I may make mistakes...but the dream that lasts will be worth the hurt later on. That's the way life goes around...you don't take the chance...you'll never know what's in store for you for the rest of your life...
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Four days of solid fun!
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~It's been such a good weekend of fun. Right after classes on Firday night, I went for dinner with a friend at a pub in university. I got a little drunk that night too ^^ Had two glasses of beer, two hi-balls and a shot of 'sourjack'. My friend had to hold me while we walked to another friend's place. Crazy enough, we stayed at his place till 5 am watching movies haha. We also went down to the community centre to play pool and piano. I slept at 6 am that day...woke up at 2pm after that haha. It didn't cross my mind that it was Valentine's Day too haha.
Hungry for lunch, I went down to the cafeteria only to find it was closed...for the whole of Reading Week. Ouch. Luckily, Victor had some food at his place and we cooked eggs, bacon and sausages to eat. I was totally clueless on how to get my dinner later on. It was 5.30pm by the time I left Victor's room. I was thinking of where to eat and who to eat with...(since it was Valentine's Day, I didn't want to have dinner alone). I cooked up the courage to call a friend if he had plans for dinner that night and somehow I ended up at his friend's place having hotpot for dinner! yum yum ^^ Although it was a good dinner, I wasn't too comfortable with the company...I mean I don't know his friends, and they converse in Cantonese (a language I have yet to master). So, feeling a little out of place, I left early because I know my friend was worried that I might be bored. He talked to me the whole time after dinner but I felt that I shouldn't be there so that he can have time for his other friends. Still, it was a memorable night as I got to spend time with this good looking guy friend of mine ^^ and I received roses too! (well, not from him although technically he was the one who handed it to me...it was his friend who bought roses for all the girls there).
Sunday was an awesome day of fun! We set off at 1.30pm to play PAINTBALL. There were about 20 of us who were eager to experience this fun game (as well as the memorable hurtful shots that we'll receive during the game...ouch!) It was so interesting. We had to wear these dirty, old jumpsuits to protect our clothes from the paint. After that, we were briefed on the rules, safety precautions and how to use the paintball gun. Then, the real war begun! We headed into the battle zone where we were divided into two teams. The battle zone was really cool, with bunkers and old vent shafts for you to hide and kill your opponents. The whole place was covered with sand and it makes it harder for me to run (I actually fell twice on my knee when advancing to the frontline >_< ). The whole time I was playing the role of a sniper and always covering the people in the front. We played about 6 rounds of paintball, with a different type of game after every 2 rounds. I enjoyed it the most but I have to admit it is an expensive game as the ammos cost alot and usually you use up about 100 in one round itself. It was fun but it hurt really bad as well. The bullets (paintballs) have a speed of about 200 cm per second...which is...really fast. Some of my friends got shot at the hand while they were holding up their guns and they were bleeding. Some people got bruised as well on the thigh, knee, arm. However, it gets this bad because of receiving a shot at a close range. It doesn't hurt that much if you get shot from a further distance.
That same night, I went to another friend's place to watch NBA all-star tournament. It was pretty interesting as this all-star tournament is not so tensed up like some of the real NBA competitions where fights and silly arguments arise. After that, we went to the other guy's place to watch the movie "The Core". Pretty interesting movie...but...hehe I fell asleep half way through it as I was too tired to open my eyes and my whole body was aching from paintball...urgh...
Monday morning, my three other guy friends and I went grocery shopping at Superstore. It was pretty tiring but well..hehe i had guys to help me to carry my groceries. I got myself a rice cooker! And other cooking utensils..etc...I cooked my first meal for myself last night...mmm...it smelled so good. It just reminds me of the smell back home when mum's cooking! Yum Yum ^^
So, the four days of solid fun is pretty much over...time to study for next week's midterms. I did so badly on my C++ programming course...achieved only a 57% on that midterm paper =( Sigh...sometimes you feel like giving up...but you know you shouldn't because part of it was because you're lazy and didn't put that much effort into it. I feel like I'm losing all my hardwork traits that I used to have last time. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's a different environment here. There's so much to discover...so much fun to enjoy...other things to do than to poke my head into the book all day...I'm still hoping we're going karaoke tomorrow night =) That'll be some little extra fun now before school starts again!
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
A broken heart
~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~Love changes. Especially when two people in love can't get along with each other. Realizing most of the arguments stemed from the differences in our views, beliefs and ways forced me to make a big decision that will change my life for now. Realizing that if it drags on more hurt will be inflicted upon ourselves. Realizing how soft my heart can be makes me feel lowly of myself...
for the mistakes that I've done...
for the disappointment that I've caused...
for the stubborness of my young heart...
for the unfocused mind of my body...
I'm beginning to feel that I'm being too serious in some things. My desire for happiness overruled my mind and lead me to believe the ideality of situations. Now, I see clearly what I really want. And that the end of this is not eternal. It is, in actual fact, a new start for me. Each time I plunge myself into the pit of darkness, regret and guilt, I realized that I always manage to climb out of it in the end. To see daylight again, to start anew, to learn again no matter how many times I repeat the same mistakes...my heart is young and stubborn...and I believe it needs to go through it and bleed for the better.
Meeting different people and having fun in university is my goal now. I can't wait for my graduation day...or the holidays that allow me to return to sweet home. It is my only place where I seek comfort and love, the only place that will remain my home for eternity. With my family, I'm hoping everything returns to normal again but of course, the imprints of these mistakes will remain true and as a lesson again. I wonder how many more lessons will I be taking to find truth and reality. I guess it is up to nature and time to let it take its own course. I want to lead my life the way I want it. It's been too long leading my life to suit other's whims and fancies. I want to feel free...even if I'm committed to someone again. I want that natural feeling that I'm not bounded to anyone and that I'm comfortable to anyone or anything that walks in and out of my life. My flaw is that I try to comprehend things that are way out of my league. I try too hard to be patient but I suffer inside. I'm too soft at heart as well...always trying not to hurt anyone...
It is my fault, isn't it? All these trials and tribulations may be the way of life, or a chosen path from above, for me to walk through it as a challenge but...every footstep that leaves a mark on the ground at each moment in time was also created by me. Yet, if I didn't choose to walk on that path, I would never be who I am today - stronger and matured, experienced and tough.
It's such a grey area. People tell me no one is to blame in this matter, but sometimes I can't help but inflict everything back on myself because technically I was the one who started everything. Nevertheless, without a start, there would be no beginning and no end...and that would be as bad as not having a life at all. It's like a circle, revolving again and again..passing through the same stage...only the radius of the circle gets wider and the path is longer and more difficult to overcome. Courage, give me the strength to walk this path even if I have to make the same mistake again. Love, guide me with all that I need to see clearly what my heart and mind desires. Truth, you hurt me the most but you have served a wonderful lesson in my life. And my dear heart...do bear with me until I find the true meaning in life...
"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be some that can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned hat you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
I've learned that you can do some thing in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that money is a lousy way to keep score.
I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned that the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to pick you back up.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned that no matter good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help."
about me
Home: KL, Malaysia
School: U of A
I am someone who frets a lot - I call it a psychological disorder. I am constantly trying to escape my complex mind which, very often, drives me and my close companions to the edge of insanity. Born under the sun star Libra, I am greatly affected by a disease called "indecisiveness". Nicknames were never part of my dictionary until I met some people who decided to name me "turtle". Soon, I was representing a zoo of hamsters, "sotongs", pigs, cats, etc...
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