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Thursday, February 26, 2004

STOP

~Love Mum, Dad and Sis always~

Once, I saw the wrong heart. Once, I saw the wrong man. But this vision was blurred and was only wiped away after a period of time to reveal its clear shadows. Is it the fault of my eyes? Mine eyes are not perfect. Is it the fault of my heart? There is no mistake of the heart when you fall in love. The only mistake you'll discover is the wrong man to fall in love with. Is that such a big deal? Is that such a nuisance to you? I am who I am. I don't need you to tell me not to cry again if the same scenario happens again. I don't need you to tell me that I'm immature enough to be smitten by love again. Love? What do you know about love. Do you want me to know what it is? What if I tell you I know what it is but it's gone looking for another life because the previous one died? Oh am I suppoze to stick to one forever and mourn over it. Get a life. You don't have one? Oh, but I do.

I see. Aha. Asking me not to hurt "us" anymore? What is "us"? I don't understand that language.

Oh, so "us" is GUYS?

Aha. I am the black widow spider who is constantly planting the sting in every male victim of mine. I never knew I was so venomous. Hurt? Are you the only one feeling the hurt? Aha. Question is...are you aware of the hurt that I felt all this while? Question again...are you aware of my needs? Answer? Oh, I'm suppoze to let you know what I want and not bottle it up. Bottling is my game, don't you see? The point is you don't even know how to please and give a girl what she wants as a man. So, again lies the fact that it's my fault for bringing you into all this? Brought you to feel cheated? Oh, yes...so I cheated on you? So, I was love-smittened again after 3 weeks it ended? Oh, am I forbidden to do that in love? Or is it more like...it's wrong to do that in your world?

Hmm, so I'm having the love disorder here. Let's see. Oh yea...I'm having quite an ill mind too, eh? Yeah. So, I'm suppozedly the crazy girl who cheated on your feelings because I couldn't make up my mind if I'm ready or not. Oh wait, my heart says something...if my heart is ready for you...I wouldn't even think twice on considering the relationship...that means there is something wrong with YOU that I'm not comfortable with!

Hurt? Hah. What do you know. I tell you what hurt is for me. Hurt is when I've realized I've made a mistake and hurt another person. No? Hurt is when I finally found someone whom I thought can give me everything I want but at long last doesn't fulfill my needs. Hurt because someone you love found someone else (better)? Come on. This is the real world. Someone else is better than you? Well, that simply means that you couldn't be as good as the others that she needed. The truth of the simple, real world. That's what I like about reality. Live up to your expectations in an ideal world and you'll never see the end of your misery. What? Am I suppoze to show pity towards you? I did not appreciate you enough, did you say? Well, TAKE A LOOK AROUND and discover why I didn't show enough appreciation.

Oh yes...HURT. I hurt when I know I can't give the man I love what he needs. I hurt when I can't forgive and let go off my past that haunts me. I hurt when everytime he touches me, I shiver and pray silently that he doesn't hurt me...I hurt when I look into his eyes and realize that I disappoint the love that we're bound to discover. I hurt when I know that I can't willingly let free of my emotions through my soul and body because I am terrified, drowned in fear each time I look into his eyes. My body is trapped and so is my heart.

Don't act as if you're so good at this that you can tell me not to come crying. Do you think I'll come crying to you? You must be out of your mind. STOP all the nonsensical reasonings you try and put yourself through to find fault in me and not look at your own flaws. STOP telling me what to do. I hate that. STOP being immature. Get a new look at your own life...at your ownself. No more hellos...no more goodbyes. It's enough. Too much is too much. Criticize me in public for all I care. Go ahead and tell everyone how pitiful you were to be left by the bitch aka "me". Announce to the world that I'm the bad guy ooo...and while you do this...I wish you good luck. I don't need to care even if I'm a bitch to you, or I'm the black widow spider who stung you so badly, because all I need to know now is that I'm his baby angel and I will always be. Even if the baby angel falls, I will be strong and search for a new road. Unlike the rest, where you mourn and publicize the sadness...immatureness just prevails in this action. Just one word and everything will be fine...STOP.

~Please do mind my language or my thoughts in this post as it was written with much anger and frustration after days of observation and experience from someone's words. I apologize if there were anything offensive.~

Yun @ 7:56 AM | |

about me

Home: KL, Malaysia
School: U of A

I am someone who frets a lot - I call it a psychological disorder. I am constantly trying to escape my complex mind which, very often, drives me and my close companions to the edge of insanity. Born under the sun star Libra, I am greatly affected by a disease called "indecisiveness". Nicknames were never part of my dictionary until I met some people who decided to name me "turtle". Soon, I was representing a zoo of hamsters, "sotongs", pigs, cats, etc...

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