Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Red Herring
I marvel at the central processing unit of some machines that are of microscopic size.
Monday, November 29, 2004
Back to basics
Back to square one.I wish I could stop worrying. My parents have told me a million times to shake it off. My boyfriend insists that I should not worry of something uncertain. Where does it all fall back to? How did this worrisome feeling come to existance?
I feel utterly annoyed and depressed. How am I not suppoze to worry about my long-distance relationship? Well, so far it has been going pretty well, but my honey is going out to the working world soon...I am not speculating anything, but I feel that asking me not to worry is unfair for my part. Sometimes, I do feel like going to sleep forever. That way, I will be constantly dreaming, and never have to wake up to face the perils of reality. Unfortunately, I am already in reality and I cannot seem to find a way out (unless I die, of course).
From now on, I am not going to say much to my parents about my condition here. Don't get me wrong. I love them very much. But, everytime I call home and tell them how I am doing here, more often I will talk about my school, and how the dumb professors are, how some cocky locals go about, and how I am constrained by time, my heart becomes uneasy after putting down the phone. Why? Because, very often they do not understand my situation at all. Who else can I talk to when I am feeling down, upset or stressed? If I don't call back home, or find seek comfort form friends, I'll probably be dead already. Still, I am being "pressured" not to complain, not to be upset in front of my parents. Fine. Now, I feel guilty for making them upset too just because I am having a hard time here. I might as well not say anything, let them figure that I am doing perfectly fine here, and solve my problems by my own. After all, I am only going to hurt them if I tell them stuff.
Anyway, nothing is going right for me.
I bought a new printer today. I had to. My english presentation starts tomorrow and I needed to get transparencies printed. The campus printers did not allow me to do so because the paper feed was inside the machine. I had no way of printing my own transparancies there. After all, it would be convenient to have one. In my third year, I will be writing tons of lab reports. Thirty pages lab reports. I am pathetic.
Pathetic. Loser. Emotional. Weak. Annoying.
I deserve nothing.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
1-20G
Okay, the keyboard here is old and hard to press. Oh, and I just found out that it is Fujitsu-brand. Currently, I am waiting to use the scanner in the library. I was unaware that the Cameron library had a small computer lab room on the first floor. From far, it did not seem like a computer room, and each time I stepped into the library, I have always thought it was something else. *I hate the keyboard here. I am having much difficulty in typing!!!!*Anyway, I hope I can scan my pictures successfully. How unfortunate - the computer connected to the scanner is not connected to the INternet. And, I do not have a floppy diskette with me. But, the guy who is using the scanner now said he could lend me his to transfer the files to another computer which has access to the internet.
This is my first time using a scanner. I have no clue how to work it.
Friday, November 26, 2004
lost
I woke up late for my lab this morning. Nevertheless, I pulled myself out quickly and headed straight to the lab. I walked out of my apartment feeling a little uneasy of my own apprehensions, but soon all was forgotten after I put my headphones on and drifted with the music that came to my ears...I realize that I hold too many grudges on people around me. There were many times when I growled and mocked those who ridiculed me because I am a foreign student. I complain all the time. I used to ask someone up there to take away the capability of worrying and stress from me but now it seems that I want to take away my tendency to complain.
I sent an email back home complaining about the unfair fee hike proposed by the university and informing my parents of my failed midterm. When I saw the replies from my mum and dad, I felt sad. I feel sad because I have to make them feel what I am going through. I am being selfish for projecting all my complains to them. Now, I am still in an unbalanced mood, but I know that I do not want to let my parents shoulder more emotional burden as they are already burdened by the cost of my education here. Sometimes, I wish that I could be just as brilliant and capable like the top students. Why? So that I can make my parents happy.
I am not doing very well in school. And, the case is not looking good next year too. Third year engineering studies are far more difficult and challenging and my last two years in this program are crucial.
Any how, I am still enjoying school here. The term is coming to an end. Labs were never fun in school because they are tiring and destructive to the mind. However, I seem to enjoy my organic chemistry labs mainly because I have a nice TA and very hilarious and friendly classmates. My lab partner is one funny guy. I guess he feels shy around me. It is natural for me to feel that I am the odd one because I am an international student, but he is pretty nice - just that he does not show it out all the time.
Two days ago in the lab, he got concentrated sulfuric acid spills on his finger. He had to report it to the lab-coordinator and fill out some papers. As a result, I had to do the lab by myself because he only returned two hours later. My TA said that he should thank me for doing it when we handed in the product yield. I just smiled. He told the TA with a grin, "Yeah...I did that," but in actual fact, he did not say thank you to me yet. Haha. I do not know the reason he did not dare to say it out to me but I could tell that he was grateful because he helped me clean my glassware. I have the last lab to complete next week and I am already feeling reluctant to leave the lab. We were not exactly friends. Outside of the lab, we barely say hi even if we saw each other. Not a big deal to me. But I do hope that I won't meet cocky people next term in my lab classes.
I am pretty lost now. I am clueless as to how to complete my assignment.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
if mistaken
Just so to inform whoever reads the previous entry, my anger and frustration was directed to the some people. I did not mean all Canadians think that way. IN fact, there are those who support us in the fight against the fee hike because they themselves think it is ridiculous and discriminating. So, before bombarding me with any kind of refutement, be sure about this call. I have my rights to be angry and say it out.
Fee hike - Discriminating!
I have lots to say. In fact, I wish my voice can be heard by the university administration council. Two days ago, I received an email from the international center informing me of a proposed increase of 23.5% in international tuition fees. It seemed like any other ordinary email to me but that percentage whirled around me like an annoying fly. I was distraught. Do they even have any idea what they are doing to us?It is unfair. We never complained about the existing high differential fee that we pay as international students. I, myself, pay a differential fee of $CAD8000 and now they want to increase it by 23.5%? Are we some kind of piggy bank that the university can just grab some money when they need to? I pay triple the amount to sit in the same class as my Canadian counterparts, to learn from the same professor who does not even know what she is babbling in front of class, I even pay triple the amount of any glassware that I break in chemistry labs. What more do they want?
There was a meeting with the Student Union's president today and with him present was the Dean of Students. The Student's Union should be given credit for coming out to help us relay our anger and remarks to the higher authorities in the first budget council meeting tomorrow. And, there were many constructive feedback being given. Personally, I gave a different reason than anyone else but I think because I did want to waste too much time explaining it in detailed, I summarized it too quick. Nevertheless, it felt good to see 100 other international students attending the meeting, working together to protest the bias treatment that is being projected towards us.
The argument revolved around three main reasons why the fee hike is being implemented:
1. Alberta taxpayers are not happy that the government is subsidizing part of our education. They are not happy that part of their money is going to fund some of our education. Therefore, we are required to pay the full cost of tuition, which sums up to $CAD 23,000 in the end because we are international students and that we are nothing but foreigners who bring no benefits.
2. It was said that the higher a tuition fee is, the impression that the university is a better institution of higher education holds, pertaining to the fact that people are paying more for its higher quality.
3. Citizens of Alberta (or Canada) are not happy with the fact that university is letting in too many international students. We, apparently, are taking up the seats that could have been available for their children. So, they should be given priority - NOT US.
Look at these three points. Absolutely absurd. Another side reason to this is that Alberta wants to be a debt-free province. However, trying to fix your country's or province's financial strains at the cost of others is not right! In fact, it shows how the government is contradicting its previous claims that Canada is very interested in investing in foreign students. In a nutshell, we are being ridiculed and harrassed because of such an implementation!
The first impression I had was obvious - the university is discriminating international students. By implementing such a rise ONLY to international students does not justify the fact that we should be happy because we are able to seek international experience here for the amount that we pay. Apparently, we are "told" to be grateful about it. There were several Canadians who gave crude and disrespectful remarks about this. Those ignorant people said that we should be grateful and if we are not happy with it, we should not even have come here at all. I could not comprehend the stupidity. They may have that much money. They may be citizens of Canada. But they will fall as a province and even as a country when we all leave their so-called "land of immigrants." Why? Simply because we foreigners are no longer bringing in extra income to their country!
There were very good points by several people in the meeting. One, that I particularly liked was the fact that we don't get any benefits - co-op opportunites, bursaries, scholarships, off-campus work - but we pay a differential fee triple of what the locals pay. Can the university tell us where that amount of money has gone? To the new buildings, which I do not see any need for since we have so much space to house every student for lectures and labs? Research work - each time I open the university's homepage, I read news of millions of dollars being given to researches. Is that where my money went to? Does it EVEN benefit me? If it doesn't, can the university tell me what did they use it for that could benefit us? More facilities - oh, like what? Nice pavements to walk on? More lighting to keep the university going? Hell, I am paying triple the amount just to walk on the same brightly-lit hallways as the Canadians?
An excuse such as reason # 2 & #3 is not even worth 0.001% to take into consideration. I do not understand how the locals are still not satisfied with the amount we are paying at school. They pay so much less and they have more privilages. Look at us, we can harldy find jobs even after we graduate - what more do they want? The taxes that they pay will all come back to them because they live and work here. The income they get, the benefits as citizens is still not enough? Are they just saying we should leave? This reminds me of the time when this guy called me, "Chinese bitch - go back to where you come from!" Although he was drunk, but he must have had that stereotype all this while for him to say it even when he was drunk.
Yeah, we can leave. No problem. We will just watch how you seek your revenues and spur up your economy when you have no one interested in coming to your country due to its bias attitude.
And, if you want to make your instituion recognized or satisfy your citizens who were not happy with us taking up the seats in university - do so by raising your standards and entry requirements NOT by raising fees. In that case, we will not mind paying for that amount (but it still has to be justified by the opportunities that we will be getting for the high fee) to attend a high-quality learning institution.
I am angry. I am frustrated. It is late too. And I failed my midterm (but that is not the point here). I just want to go home. I hate this place. I hate it. So-called Canada being the friendly and non-racists claiming to be the land of the immigrants.
If they want to raise our tuition by 23.5%, they can by giving us free residence and milk. We are not stupid and we are not those that you can pick on easily just because deep down in your hearts you deem yourself the higher kind. Put yourself in our shoes for once - if you were us, earning $CAD15,000 (tuition fee that I am paying per year now) multiplied by 3.2 (exchange rate) is not easy. Come on, you only pay $CAD 4500. What is that compared to what we pay? Nothing. So, shut up ignorant Canadians. If you do not know the pain, don't act as if it is just a small matter because the sad fact is you will NEVER experience it. You may have lived a good life. Others work harder than you to come all the way to your respected country.
Huh, now - my impression of the country has gone down into the dumps.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
It is not me
Last night, I discovered that my evening class was cancelled after a 10-minute walk in the cold. There was a printed paper stuck to the door of the classroom informing us that the instructor was ill. I was pretty annoyed because I had to walk back and tell my friend about it so that we can go to the karaoke place earlier.She wanted to go there to practise her solo song and our duet song for today's singing competition. Even though I had tons of work to do, I was obliged to tag along to practise as well. Personally, I did not feel the need to take it that seriously. After all, I joined the competition to have fun and probably gain some experience in stage singing. Another friend of hers came along too. She found out abotu the singing competition and wanted to participate in it as well. Her friend had a realy good voice. She sang really well and I would think she will win the trophies (which are nothing of importance to me).
However, my friend forgot about the time that we planned to spare. She kept repeating her solo song, claiming that it was not good enough and she needed to keep singing it again to reduce her apprehensions or whatever it is that was bothering her. I was pretty pissed. I was tired and I was not having a good time. Well, I was a little sore with the fact that I do not know Mandarin. There are so many chinese songs that I love to listen. I wish I could sing them. All those negative thoughts crashed and it was pathetic of me because I was singing old english songs to myself. I have to admit that I cannot sing well. I may have a relatively good voice but the strength and power to project it is not there. She keeps telling me it is a skill to be acquired. I do not sing that often too. Probably only at times when I take a shower in the bathroom.
Anyhow, I was not enjoying this whole thing. A sudden realization gushed into my mind that put down my hopes for having fun at this singing competition. In fact, it is not fun anymore going singing with them at karaoke places. Just when we were about to leave, she asked us to practise our duet song without the music (because the place did not have that song). It was horrible. I could not sing like how I used to do when we were practising at home. I just did not want to bother anymore. I sang a few sentences...and I sang out of tune...and that was it. I said it was okay and let's go.
I did not throw a temper or anything. My friend kept apologizing for draggging me for so long and kept asking me if there is anything wrong. I just gave an excuse that my eyes were hurting and I was tired. But the truth was, I felt the whole thing was a hypocrisy.
Okay, I am late for class.
Friday, November 19, 2004
university fun?
Staying in school for more than 10 hours is not fun. Doing homework, school work, lab work, or whatever work for 8 hours in school is not fun too. I really want to find those people who told me that university life is fun and not as tiring as school. One of them is my dad, haha. Then again, he was not studying engineering. He was doing a major in math. My dad is a math genius. I think that really help a lot when he took a job in the IT world. Smart, smart people. Sigh. I am not looking forward to any final exam results yet I cannot wait for final exams to finish. My life is such a bore. Routined and hectic. I spend on average 9 hours in school each day. My granduncle told me that a student's job is so easy and that I should not complain. According to him, our job is to study. Yes, I know that. Obviously, what else are we paid for if we are not here to study? But hell, no one ever said it was going to be this difficult!!! I am just ranting for the sake of ranting, haha. I know working life is much worse than this. I have a math quiz in another 15 minutes but I am feeling disgusted with everything in school because I have been to every place a million times before. I wish there was a school that changes its surroundings, buildings and interior designs each week. It will be a blast to study in a university like this. Haha. Dreaming of fantasy...I am the engineer, so I should start planning a whole new concept of school. Too bad I am not in civil. I am not in mechanical. I am just the poor chemical engineer who is still struggling in CHE 265. Crap.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Unibound
Unibound (<---Click!) is a collective blog written by seven university students. They discuss issues dealing with life studying in a foreign country. I recommend it a good read. Do take some time off to visit this site. This is a good example of a well-respected blog where youths put their thoughts into writing ethically. These girls deserve credit for their humble intelligence in writing. Finally, I met a place where people put the internet to good use.I realized that I am still unfamiliar with MLA-style referencing format. Today, my English teacher spoke of internal referencing and how to write a correct bibliography or works cited list. It was a little too late to change my mistakes on my progress report. Still, I used a pencil to underline my mistakes and wrote a small reminder next to it. Hopefully, she will not deduct marks or decide not to grade my research paper because of those mistakes, particularly if it was a mistake that I should have known after she told the class that we had referencing mistakes in the proposal. Anyway, I would try to write my research paper tonight. Otherwise, I would have three major things to do this weekend - organic chemistry quiz, math assignment (crazy questions) and research essay.
After studying abroad for two years, I wonder of the changes that occured in me. Keeping up with fashion trends had never been a part of my life until I came here. Growing up in Malaysia, I did feel the need to bother about fashion trends but it was mainly because of peers. Fortunately, I have a trendy mother to help me groom and brush away the conservative styles.
That was back then, when I was much younger. I feel that the need to make observations grew to a larger extent after I came here to study. I guess it is not that surprising. After all, I am here by myself. I don't have my mum, the image consultant, to help me decide on what to wear. Most importantly, I am beginning to establish my own sense of style. Nothing very fancy, though. I am a girl who is just comfortable in jeans and tees. I love to wear dresses but I cannot do that here because of the extreme cold weather.
And I do not dress up to look more matured. Yes. That is my standpoint. I do not mean putting make-up or wearing more "adult" clothes is slutty. I do not mean that wearing high heels is showing off. From my point of view, I always think that dressing styles are purely individual, and for me, I like to dress my age. Sometimes, I do get irritated when I am told to wear high heels more often. For christ's sake, I am not working yet. Why should I put on those heels when I am going for a casual outing? I am comfortable in sporty shoes and casual wear. Hello, nineteen years of age? I do not care if any other person wants to dress more matured than me. The only thing that bothers me is how these people comment on others that they should "dress" like them as we are considered childish and not classy. Sheesh. They are, to me, pieces of crap and junk that I would just ignore. Having class is not about dressing like an adult. It is about having your own style, unique and fun.
People here are really good with layers. Due to the cold weather, the fashion here is geared towards long sleeves and the winter stuff. Back home, it is all about wearing the least number of layers on the body. The more revealing, the better it is. I remember my roommate complaining about the weather here day and night because it prevents her from wearing her skimpy tops and short skirts. She left for home after four months. I do not know the exact reason why but I do know that part of it was due to the weather.
There are lots of girls who know how to dress well with different types of layers. I saw a girl today wearing an elbow-length, white-collared shirt as the inner layer, and a baby blue sleeveless shirt on outside, matched with a simple, jeans-clothed coat. It was really simple but unique. Well, I might be the only one who finds it unique but that is because it is my kind of style :P
I love to observe how some people dress here. Not to mention, there are lots of tall, hunky guys who know how to catch a girl's attention with their style of fashion too ;)
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Letting go
I know I should let go of the past.Every single prick of it that haunts me causes me to plunge into a world of darkness.
I should learn to trust. I should love myself more.
Monday, November 15, 2004
I love Sunday mornings
I just love waking up to a Sunday morning. It usually is cold because I always leave the window open overnight. I cannot sleep in a stuffy room. Then, I will snuggle under the covers, bringing the comforter up to my neck. Birds used to sing every morning but they never appeared as often anymore due to the colder weather now. In winter, the days get dark earlier and I see less of the bright sun.I will feel lazy to get out of bed on a Sunday morning. The clock shows a 10-11 time but I am reluctant to get out of my warm, cosy bed. This is also the time where I daydream and think of home. I will dream of the mornings that my sweetheart and I used to have. He would still be sleeping next to me, and I would move over and hug him like a pillow ^^ Sigh. The only difference now is that he is living far away from me, and I can only hug my cute, white tiger or hamtaro instead.
When I tell myself that it is time for my lazy bum to get moving, I would put on my warm sweater and head to the bathroom to wash up. This is like my daily routine but the difference is that there are no classes to attend on a weekend morning. There is no rush. There is no hurry. It is none other than a relaxing Sunday morning. I love every single moment of it.
Then, I will head to the kitchen to make a warm cup of hot chocolate. I head back to my lovely room to laze around; too bad I cannot laze around for long. As usual, homework on the desk awaits me. I realized that my english research paper's completion date is not too far away. Yesterday, I attempted to work on my math assignment but to my dismay I could not do a single question of it. I was pissed off with a friend who took my math notes too because I did not have any reference to study from this weekend. I am not going to lend him any of my notes next time. He said he will give it back to me on Friday in class but he did not turn up. I dislike irresponsible people like that.
Now, as much as I dislike doing on a Sunday morning, I have to start digging into that pile of assignments on my desk. Oh, I am such a lazy Sunday flower!
Friday, November 12, 2004
The beginning
I know it is already 2 a.m. in the morning but it does not make a difference to me because I slept at 4 a.m. yesterday. However, I 'll have to tuck myself in soon because my holiday outing will start in another 12 hours time. Also, I will be getting a haircut today (hopefully it will be pretty).My family is in Egypt now. Sheesh, I am not there with them AGAIN. Egypt! I want to go to EGYPT!!! Last year, they went to Dublin, Ireland without me T_T
I was trying to complete reading one of the research materials that I borrowed from the library. I have to return this book on Monday, and knowing how my English teacher expects all work to be done on time, I have to start reading those stuff so that I can write my research paper...and prepare for my oral presentation. I am just constantly working for some engineering assignment, project and whatever crappy english thing she wants. I never seem to stop. They keep coming, one after the other... at times like this, when my mind is stretched to a limit, I just don't feel like moving. I will lie down on bed and stare at the ceiling or daydream.
Oh yes, I am joining a singing competition next Friday. I cannot believe myself. I am not someone who can *ahem* perform on stage. I am not doing a solo but a duet with my friend. I cannot visualize myself on stage performing a solo song. The butterflies will attack my stomach fast. In no time, the audience will send tomatoes and eggs flying towards me. I will talk more later tonight. Tata.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
What?
What?I panicked. Strong currents of fear flushed me as I flipped through the exam paper. I do not want to talk about it. I am expecting a really low grade for this second term paper. Oh, what the heck. It is the start of my four-day holiday and I should not spoil it. It is after all just a term paper. I knew how to do my stuff. Just that I was a little slow in figuring it out (in fact, I was too late to write my solutions correctly) or I was not as smart and careful as the others.
I met my housemate's father today. He thought I was from Fort McMurray. He said he had been to Kuala Lumpur a long time ago. Unlike his wife, he was pretty friendly and asked me how I came about to Canada.
After chatting for a while, I retreated into my room to savour the scrumptuos ham-mushrrom pizza that I bought. I thought of heading down to Chinatown to get a haircut, but it is pretty windy and cold outside. I am too lazy to walk. I feel like crap today. Sometimes, I feel I am not fit for this program of study. I am good at math and physics, but...sigh. Probably, there is nothing wrong with me. It could be the crust lady teaching this course. Yeah, I would keep that in mind so that I won't be stressed out. I am like a rubber band, stretched to a limit, that would snap anytime soon.
What shall I do now? I am just blasting music in my room now. I will probably head down to the piano room and bang on it. Oh right, my neigbour just came back. I have to turn the volume down now. She is the most inflexible person I have ever met. She gets angry even when we are watching tv outside (the volume was never not loud, but slightly audible from the room). She gets pissed off when I am having dinner with my friend in the kitchen. Does she expect us to whisper when we chat for her sake? If she thinks it is too noisy to study, she should go to the library.
The noise just gets to her all the time. I am not surprised if she comes knocking at my door asking me to lower down the volume again. Seriously, the music is not loud, and the partition of the wall that separates my room and hers is really thin. This "house" was not quite engineered right. Our doors are too close to each other (our door knobs are approximately 5 cm away from each other).
Anyway, the point is, no matter how moderate any one of us plays music in the room, the person next door can still hear it. I bet she can hear me talking whenever I am on the phone. When she is on the phone, I can definitely hear every single word she says. But, too bad, she speaks in Korean, a language so alien to me. Ah, heck.
However, there is another side to the story. My friends analyzed the situation and said that she is probably jealous that I am not spending more time with her. My dad said the same thing when I told him what happened. That is another possibility. Come to think of it, the possibility might be 100% true now that I remembered our conversations back then when I first moved in. She was always saying how we should spend more time together, do grocery shopping or hang out together. Oh well. Too bad. She cannot expect everything to work her way. I was in her shoes once, but did I care? I learnt not to care about it and just took it step by step. I believe things would not have ended up this bad if she did not expect me to be more than just a housemate. We need not ignore each other at least.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Poking
I had planned to walk to College Plaza at 8 a.m. but my eyes would not open until a half hour after eight. I was so tired but I forced myself to get out of bed to get this blood test done once and for all.When I arrived at the centre, I was shocked to see 15 people sitting in the waiting lounge. It was 9.15 a.m. then and I was wondering if I could attend my class at 11 on time. Nevertheless, I waited patiently. I checked once with the nurse how long did I need to wait. I realized I only had to wait half an hour for my turn.
She called my name and brought me to the back where there were three small stations. She asked me to spell my last name and my first name, and asked for my birth of date as well. Then, she said she would have to take two samples of my blood. First, I took out my right arm. She tied an elastic, blue band above the elbow of my arm and asked me to clench my fist tight. After that, she pressed lightly around to find a vein. Well, the first attempt was unsuccesful. I did not dare to look when she poked the needle into my skin. But, I stared with horror when no blood could be retrieved into the receiving tube. And, she kept shifting the needle's position. It was a scary sight. I think she sensed my anxiety and fear because I was basically staring at the needle. Finally, she said, "I don't want to poke around anymore." She took it off, put a cotton over it and asked me to press on it.
The second attempt was made on my left arm. I was praying so hard that blood would be retrieved this time. I don't want her to poke a third time. This time the needle poked painfully but I felt relieved when I saw red liquid flowing into the tube. She apologized for having to poke me two times.
I remembered taking blood tests at Dr. Ng's Klinik Utama. Oh, he was professional. He just rub to feel the position of the vein for one second and then poked the needle really well. I felt no pain at all, and it was all done in 10 seconds. Hehe. He is a really cool doctor :)
Well, I have lots to do today. I have my last midterm tomorrow. After that, I can play all I want during my four-day holiday!! (well...it is not possible because I still have work to do for the weekend)
:)
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
The Passion
I stood looking at the white and black keys of the piano. As I sat down, I touched them lightly. I could almost here the familiar sounds of the strings connected to the keys. I could almost feel the majesticity of the songs that I once played with passion and interest. It tempted me to bring my fingers back to life again. After so long, my hands finally gave in. Both my hands had always ached each time I saw a piano.It has been so long since I last touched the piano. I started learning music at the age of eight. I would consider myself to be lucky because I had a very dedicated teacher. She was a nice lady who loves to teach music. She enjoyed the company of children and her older students at her home. I worked pretty fast with her help because I did not need to sit for a grade which I could easily pass. This was how I ended up sitting for grade 6 and 8 at a much earlier age because I did not go through grades, 2, 4, and 7. I passed grade 8 when I was 15 years old. After that, I concentrated on school work.
Many of my friends moved on to higher levels in music. I could have taken a diploma too but I had to come to Canada right after senior high. It was not much of a disappointment to me. After all, I was satisfied that I have learned what I needed to know. And, I believe music is a self-learning process as well. I was not able to play on a piano for about a year when I came to Canada. Having said that, I was surprised that I could still play a proper song two days ago. And, I had so much fun. I was happy.
I learned a lot more from my sister when I was back home last summer. I was very proud to see her going strong at the keys. I believe she is a much better pianist than me :) Sis! I am wondering if you could help me scan some songs from back home to me... I miss playing Yanni's songs. For the next trip back home, I am definitely going to photocopy my favourite pieces and see if I can find other nice piano pieces around.
I know this is all about a piano and my passion for music :P But, I never realized how important it was to me until two days ago. And I know, I would never want to live without one by my side in the future.
Monday, November 08, 2004
My Blue Dolphin
I woke up at 9.45 am today. Yy and I went grocery shopping at Save On Foods. Finally, I got my tomatoes!We saw chinese mandarin oranges for sale and was wondering why it was being sold at this time of the year. We thought of buying some and opened a few boxes to check the condition of the oranges. To our horror, most of the oranges green! The first thing that crossed both our minds ... sour oranges!! Also, there was an orange that had penicilin growing on it.
We ended up not buying them. Before we left that section, we saw the small sign that asked customers not to be fooled by the colour of the oranges. According to it, some oranges were green in colour because of lack of exposure to sunlight and the colour has nothing to do with the sugar content in the fruit. It was a pretty weird info. But, we were quite sure that green oranges are sour. Yy made a joke, "Don't try and fool a chinese with some bullshit like that!"
I bought myself a really nice night lamp. I think I would not be using it as a night lamp, but it really is pretty. It makes me smile everytime I look at it. Yy said I have been influenced greatly by the taiwanese series "Dolphin Bay". Hehe, I really love that show! I am a big fan of Zhang Shao Han as well. Also, I purchased the album from YesAsia! as well! :)
My Blue Dolphin!
See how it glows in the dark!
We had Japanese food for lunch. It was very windy and cold today. I was so glad I brought my scarf and gloves along. I would have shivered and caught a cold.
Sigh. Midterm on Wednesday. I am looking forward to the "long" holiday after that. Only four days of rest, but it is more than enough to keep my sanity going. I seldom get holidays here. University gives us a four-day-holiday for the celebration of Remembrance Day (in memory of world war one). This year, it falls on a Thursday. So, we have Thursday, Friday and the weekend off! Ooo...can't wait!
Now, I have to print my stupid english assignment for that annoying ponytailed lady.
Sunday, November 07, 2004
School blues
I have been sitting here for the past 4 hours doing my math assignment. That's right. This is me, the nerd doing math on a Saturday afternoon. I should be out there welcoming winter. Oh, I need to get tomatoes. My first attempt to cook soup was a success! Well, it was a really simple process. Just dump chicken stock, potatoes, onions, tomatoes and carrots into the soup (I call it ABC soup - "anyhow" soup).Yy insists that I cook it again. I should get out of this room and breathe some fresh winter air. Then, I can resume my pathetic studying life again in my own room.
There were numerous accounts where I agreed that people here are shallow snobs. No, I am not talking about that white girl who glares at me because I am asian. I am talking about the professors. The respected and distinguished models in the school. Well, not all. But some are really good professors. And some, like those in the English department, are just plain outrageous.
My English teacher has a really cold heart. Her temper is always there. Every minute, every class. Her sacarsm stabs like a knife. She is just out to make you cry. She discriminates. She is bias. It is a self-satisfying hobby of hers. I cannot comprehend a person like that who dares call herself a teacher. My friend says, "I feel like strangling her." On Rate My Professor, the people felt a strong desire to cut her ponytail off.
Still, we cannot do much. I will wait for the day where we evaluate her performance in class. I will clip a typed complain letter together with the evaluation sheets. I will bombard her in front of the dean or whoever that will be reading the results.
Another annoying species is the lady who speaks too much but knows only so little. I am on the edge of failing this course because of her. I know I can work at it myself by doing my own revisions, but believe me, it does not help at all. This particular course needs a teacher who can TEACH. She (the crust lady) does not know how to teach. Ask her a question, and she seems confident in answering it, but in actual fact, she is only bullshitting. She just goes round the bush. At the end of the day, she never answers one question correctly. She avoids it by saying some other information to lead you away from the problem that you had, and tell you some other crap.
She confuses us. In the labs, the problem-solving questions are difficult and require a lot of understanding. I NEVER did ask her ANY questions. Yeap. I do not want to talk to her. She is just silly. I always seek help from an intelligent teaching assistant in the lab. That is why I never had to erase everything and redo the problem in the labs. There were lots of times where she gave the wrong concept, answers, and information to those who asked her for help. Even the teaching assistant shook his head. She is acting smart. But she is just dumb. And, can you believe it she is getting a career award?? Also, what kind of professor comes into class and boasts about her awards, conferences, trips to god knows where and the like?
I am just totally disgusted.
Drift Away
Drift Away is my new writing space. I needed a new place because my old blog, Junkmail was very slow in loading and publishing my posts. I have a feeling I wrote too much over the year. Blogger simply could not cope with my ramblings and nonsense :)
Saturday, November 06, 2004
What is the source of my unhappiness?
It is good news that today is Friday. Again. I thought this week would be much better than the last (when I had all my midterms weighing down on me), but I was wrong. Nothing has changed. I do not think it will change for the next few weeks.I cannot believe it is already November. In another month's time, I will be having my finals. Soon, it will be Christmas. And I will probably be spending the two week of holiday catching up on sleep. I am deprived of sleep. Deprived of a fun life. Deprived of motivation.
After what my eyes saw, what my ears heard, and what my mind perceived of the locality in this space, I cannot help but feel frustrated. People tell me to let go. People tell me not to complain so much and just let it be. Easier said than done. What do you do when you are being treated with unjust? Let it be? What do you do when you are being intimidated? Smile at it? For any reason, smilng and shaking it off could help, and to some it might be the wisest thing to do.
I can't seem to smile naturally these days.
I can't seem to laugh with bursts of glee and joy.
This is the source of my unhappiness. This is where I start to bottle things up. Because no one understands what I want, what I am going through, and what I deem appropriate. They only see me as the slow, stupid asian girl who knows only so little or the emotional silly girl who does not have a strong personality.
I admit I do not have a strong personality. But must you say things like that to hurt my feelings further?
I do not want to hold on to that negative thought. Yet, it is not easy living as a part of it in reality. This is where depression comes in. My depression. It is back. I wonder sometimes whether it is fair to blame suicide attempts or suicide death itself. I was told that suicide was the stupidest thing to do in the whole world. Even if it means you have lost everything in life. Suicide does not change anything. But can you understand the living person's hurt? To end all agony with death. There would be no more feelings to carry. No more burden to shoulder. I am not taking religion into this. Religion says a whole different thing.
Still, I am looking for my other sources of unhappiness.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Midterm Week
I have been busy studying for midterms. Last week was dreadful. I had four midterms altogether in 5 days. Fortunately, the due dates for some assignments were changed for our sake. Engineering professors are understanding teachers.I got my thermodynamics midterm paper back. I did pretty okay, I could have done better if not for the 2.04950kg that I mistakenly wrote as 2.4950kg. I lost lots of marks in the first section because that answer was wrong. Sigh. Sigh. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...the last thing I needed was a calculation error!!
Yet, math was excellent. I did very well on the test scoring a 90 for the term paper. Yes! But math finals will be death for us (that was what my professor implied). I understand what he meant. The stuff that we are learning now is brutal. Double and triple integrals...oh! The assignments are not easy anymore.
My, the first time in my life - a D for english. On a grammar test. With only 20 questions. Yikes. I was shocked, but I accepted it. I looked back at the paper and discovered the many grammar rules that I did not know. Anyhow, it was not a big deal for me. In fact, lots of people (including the native speakers of english) got C and C- on this test. I guess grammar is just a real pain. Haha.
I received good news from home. My long lost aunt reunited with her blood-related relatives last week. She came back to her hometown with the sole purpose of asking for forgiveness from her mother, brothers and sisters. However, she was upset that my grandmother passed away 5 years ago. Still, she was happy to know that she has many siblings! My aunt was given away for adoption when she was born because my grandmother could not support the family during those days. She is now residing in Australia and has two daughters (both of them have graduated). This means I have two new cousins! It was really nice to see the photo that she took together with my other uncles and aunts. What a big family! ALmost 12-13 children of the Ling family. I hope to see her sometime soon when I am back in Malaysia. She told me that she wanted to come to Edmonton for my graduation! Haha~~
Okay, should I go for my seminar class. I guess I will...I am so tired of school. Sigh. But what can I do? My job is to study...
about me
Home: KL, Malaysia
School: U of A
I am someone who frets a lot - I call it a psychological disorder. I am constantly trying to escape my complex mind which, very often, drives me and my close companions to the edge of insanity. Born under the sun star Libra, I am greatly affected by a disease called "indecisiveness". Nicknames were never part of my dictionary until I met some people who decided to name me "turtle". Soon, I was representing a zoo of hamsters, "sotongs", pigs, cats, etc...
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