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Saturday, November 06, 2004

What is the source of my unhappiness?

It is good news that today is Friday. Again. I thought this week would be much better than the last (when I had all my midterms weighing down on me), but I was wrong. Nothing has changed. I do not think it will change for the next few weeks.

I cannot believe it is already November. In another month's time, I will be having my finals. Soon, it will be Christmas. And I will probably be spending the two week of holiday catching up on sleep. I am deprived of sleep. Deprived of a fun life. Deprived of motivation.

After what my eyes saw, what my ears heard, and what my mind perceived of the locality in this space, I cannot help but feel frustrated. People tell me to let go. People tell me not to complain so much and just let it be. Easier said than done. What do you do when you are being treated with unjust? Let it be? What do you do when you are being intimidated? Smile at it? For any reason, smilng and shaking it off could help, and to some it might be the wisest thing to do.

I can't seem to smile naturally these days.
I can't seem to laugh with bursts of glee and joy.

This is the source of my unhappiness. This is where I start to bottle things up. Because no one understands what I want, what I am going through, and what I deem appropriate. They only see me as the slow, stupid asian girl who knows only so little or the emotional silly girl who does not have a strong personality.

I admit I do not have a strong personality. But must you say things like that to hurt my feelings further?

I do not want to hold on to that negative thought. Yet, it is not easy living as a part of it in reality. This is where depression comes in. My depression. It is back. I wonder sometimes whether it is fair to blame suicide attempts or suicide death itself. I was told that suicide was the stupidest thing to do in the whole world. Even if it means you have lost everything in life. Suicide does not change anything. But can you understand the living person's hurt? To end all agony with death. There would be no more feelings to carry. No more burden to shoulder. I am not taking religion into this. Religion says a whole different thing.

Still, I am looking for my other sources of unhappiness.

Yun @ 7:02 AM | |

about me

Home: KL, Malaysia
School: U of A

I am someone who frets a lot - I call it a psychological disorder. I am constantly trying to escape my complex mind which, very often, drives me and my close companions to the edge of insanity. Born under the sun star Libra, I am greatly affected by a disease called "indecisiveness". Nicknames were never part of my dictionary until I met some people who decided to name me "turtle". Soon, I was representing a zoo of hamsters, "sotongs", pigs, cats, etc...

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