Sunday, July 31, 2005
Behind these eyes
One is off-limits. One is impossible.I walk down the same road each time you come into my life, . It is a blessing to have come across your acquaintance but now I realize I care for you more than a friend could do.
I wake up in the morning and to see you next to me. But it is only a dream.
I go to sleep at night feeling your presence. But it is only my desire.
Questions. Answers. Will they ever cease to exist? Will you ever know? Will you even see these tears behind my eyes?
I don't know if I want you to know. I don't know if I want myself to know. I don't even know what I want now. This same road, splits into a thousand pathways everytime. And I am forced to choose one, walk it, and never turn back again.
You're so close to me ... yet you are so far away ... I don't usually say prayers at night but now I pray to heaven every night that you would feel the same way too. Nothing more. I don't need you to be there by my side. I don't need the commitment. Just feel the same way as I do. For I know we both have to go our separate ways in the end ...
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Science and its manifestations
I just got back from 1u TGV cinema. We were playing pool at first, but somehow we decided abruptly to watch the 10.45 p.m. show - The Island.The movie is fine. Maybe the ending was sort of the happy-ever-after kind. Nevertheless, no matter how bad the production of a movie is, I believe every movie depicts a scenario whereby lessons in life come into the picture. Wars, destruction, the shadows of humanity, the manifestation of science such as cloning, and gene modification ... is this what humans strive for with each decade? Survival? A higher standard of living? To live longer and to achieve immortality?
Questions exist to be answered, but some always have to be unanswered. Seeing the extent humans can go to survive does give me cold shivers. I am thinking, what if this really happens? the world changes and people start to take other people's lives just to live longer? This is what the movie is all about. Well, it may have been a little confusing at the start, but I reckon it does not put you to sleep. Instead, you stay alert to unfold your doubts during the movie because the secret flows as it gradually creeps to the ending. Not a bad movie to watch if you have watched all other movies. Definitely not the box office quality. It's not like any of Steven Spielberg's well-produced action movies. Just a simple one. With a good reminder to us humans not to take our lives, and other's for granted.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Reminiscing
It was scorching hot in the late afternoon, but I needed to sink myself in water. I went for a swim down at the pool by myself since someone was lazy to even change into her swimming outfit. Anyway, I have not gone swimming for weeks since my last routined evening swims.I took a longer route instead of the usual bypass through the carpark. It felt nice to be around the lush trees and the pretty flowers that bloomed so proudly. As I walked along the square garden, many memories of myself as a child came flooding back. When I was nine years old, I used to play with some girls and boys of the same age. How silly. The games that we played, some even made-up by me. I did play with the younger ones as well and usually I would be the lead. We can think of almost anything to play! From picking flowers to imaginary scenes, it was just all there in our minds. I tried to remember how those games worked but in vain. I guess we all do grow up eventually.
It was nice. I had hoped that they cleaned the pool but it seemed a little cloudy. At least, it was not green. And so, I let myself sink lifelessly into the pool. I was glad that there were no other swimmers. It gets on my nerves when children bring their crocodile floats into this big pool and start playing around. At last, I can swim peacefully.
It was a challenge. I used to be a fast swimmer when I was much younger. Yes, I have deteriorated much. The energy is not full anymore. I am old. Also, my sprained ankle which has yet to recover, restrained me from pushing myself to the limit. Therefore, I just took a casual swim.
Then, three young girls came into the pool. I was tired and just lay my head to rest on the sides while observing their child-like behaviour. I remember being once that girl. I do not know if I miss it, but it intrigues me much to see such enthusiasm. They have the least worries and all they do is play. I heard one of the girl asked, "What shall we do(play)?" Then, there was a noisy discussion about the type of water games to play. And I remembered playing every single game they named.
As I walked back home, I saw a teenage girl on rollerblades. When I was her age, nothing stopped me from parading my rollerblades around. I did all sorts of stunts, received quite a number of scars here and there, especially on the knees. Cried a bit but I continued playing still after which I would get reprimanded by my mum for not coming home earlier to fix the wound. Oh yes! I used to climb down into the drains at my condo. My friends and I will go on some sort of adventure along these dirty, deep drains. We broke into this place which was a ... weird room. I can't even remember what it was. Naughty kids we were!
I thought to myself, where did all these boys and girls go after we our big fight? We had a big argument. I remember this guy punching me in the eye too. We were so young, I was naive and I do admit that I said the wrong things. I was mean. I wonder how they are now. What have they been up to lately? How have they been all these years?
But it really isn't as noisy as it used to be during the evenings. I do not see many children around plucking flowers or digging up the soils in the garden. Maybe I have not been around that much to see the new generation here in this condo. I may have abandoned the waterfall at the park for 4 years now. Wow... that place used to be one great playground!
Those were the days. Little girls and boys who just come out to play. I guess I should cherish this part of my childhood. I never want to remember anything before that. Never. But memories will always be there etched forever. Unless it can be erased. Somebody teach me how.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Why never choose me?
The following conversation has been edited for viewers' convenience. . .Friend: One thing I like about my girlfriend ah ... she is very cincai wan.
Me: Oh? Cincai in what sense leh?
Friend: She does not have high expectations lor. For example, she doesn't expect me to bring her out everyday, lavish her with gifts, and pay her bills.
Me: Ohhh ... eh? I also very cincai what. Why you never choose me ah? *nyek nyek nyek*
Me: Just kidding ah :P
Friend: Haha. I know you won't like me wan.
It was an interesting conversation. He is one of my good friends so obviously he knew that I was just teasing him. But what he said was really food for thought. What are girls' expectations in a relationship? What is considered too much and just fair?
In any case, there are sacrifices to be made when commitment comes into the picture. No doubt, love rules everything else after a successful courtship but this changes the daily life for most couples. Some say they prefer being single because they are still young and free to do whatever they wish. And some say it's perfect because they can keep dating until the time is right or when they have found the right companion. Then again, some don't mind commiting. They are willing to give up that "young, free, and single" life to be close to someone.
However, I wonder do all guys really take it as the number-one-burden when dating a girl? Well, to some extent, we are still girls ... I am sure there are plenty of those who know their limits when spending their boyfriend's money :P Maybe there are some girls who put this criteria on their list but what about the spending-quality-time-together?
Absence does make the heart grow fonder. But does it really work for long? Well, maybe seeing each other everyday would be an issue but I guess every two days should be okay, right? Hehehe. Do guys find it such a hassle to bring us out and spend time with us? Well, it just gives the impression that maybe it's all just fooling around. We know it isn't, but somehow our minds register it as that! So weird, eh? Then again, that's the part we girls may never seem to understand. Of course, we know our guys need to concentrate on their careers and they need time to themselves too ... but do we get that irritating and ... demanding?
Hehehe. Here again, I digress too much.
In the end, I guess it depends on each individual's needs. Oh well :)
I want to be your friend!
I am wary of girls who try to get extremely close to me when they make my acquaintance. I know they are nice people, but too nice, and too fast is too scary. Seriously.I have experienced this twice. First, it was my Korean housemate in Canada but that was "old story" because she had some attitude as well. Then, I had to hide myself from my friend's ex-girlfriend (I have yet to talk to her since our last conversation on MSN). I do not mean to be such a bitch, but she does not seem to respect people's privacy. She insisted on calling me to chat (long-distance). She wanted me to spend the weekend overnight at a hotel with her and her friends when she is back in KL. Argh, I have only known this girl for ... how long? Two weeks? Through the internet? I have never seen her face-to-face before!
Friendship is something that comes naturally. It does not require just daily or hourly chit-chatting to become good/best/great friends. They make the move too fast. Therefore, it is hard to build a mutual trust between two people. I can only think of two possibilities for such occurences: 1) they are a little naive and may not be in tune with reality where the sad fact is you can't just instantly be good friends with someone. 2) they are pure hypocrites.
The truth is, she scared me away. Sigh, now for the worse part. I know love can be blind sometimes but in her case, someone really has to knock some sense into her. She is coming to Edmonton with two intentions; to further her studies and to try and get back with my friend.
I am not against those who fight for love. I wish I have the capability to do so but then again, there are many important things to consider. For me, I usually have to let everything go in the end ... .You know those drama shows on TV, where this guy will give up everything to get the girl he loves or vice versa ... basically, stuff like that ... but hey, I am sure you can give up everything, buy a ticket and jump on the next plane to be with him/her, if you are financially stable (not using your parents' money!), right?
Now, this girl here. She met my friend online. They fell in love online. They have NOT seen each other face-to-face (maybe only through pictures). I do not know what happened between them, but the break-up really did hurt her. It was difficult, maybe she really loves him a lot, but seriously ... she has not even seen the real him? All this while, it has been just phone calls and MSN. If I want to be with a guy, I would make sure I get to know enough about him face-to-face to trust that he's the one. I still believe internet dating is ambiguous. For me, it has to be what I see. Observation is the best tool.
I was worried for her. The way she thinks and all her plans about coming to my place to do this and that, with false hopes and all ... I tried advising her, since she asked what I thought, but she didn't register what I said. Yet she kept asking me the same thing over and over, even bothering me at times when I am busy. At least, my friend understands what I am going through with his ex-gf. After my disappearance, she made acquaintance with my other friend. It was not wise of her to make the same fast move because my friend has retreated into her shell.
It is hard for us to tell her off. Perhaps, my friend should do the talking. I think he did, but she still doesn't get it I guess. What are we to do? I just hope that she does not repeat the process when she sees us in university.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Unrequited
*edited with pictures*There were some minor changes to the clubbing plans. Last night, I thought we were heading to Zouk but someone else suggested that we should go to Loft. Either way, I just wanted to get out and take things off my mind because I know that I would be having another sleepless night if I stayed at home with all these crazy thoughts encircling my head. I thought it would be best if I went out last night so that I can stay at home with my family for the weekend.
I think paying RM 55 was not worth it for the cover charge; inclusive of two bottles of hard liquor. There was no special event or so. Since they were my friend's friends, I just agreed to their plans. Usually I do not drink in clubs, but I had to last night (since I had to pay for my share). As expected, I was tipsy after three drinks. I have not been drinking liquor for two years. I remember the last time I gulped down five shots of Akvavit was at a friend's place in Canada. I was having problems with myself too but then again, it was good because the liquor knocked me out and I had a peaceful sleep.
According to my friends, Loft is currently the most popular club to be at. He said it was a good choice but it was a little too crowded and my god, the dance floor ... it was super small. I was afraid that I might fall off the stage because people were squeezing through here and there. It was so difficult to dance. I was looking around the place and I thought that the layout and design of the club was not too practical. There was not a proper bar. Haha, I am complaining too much, eh?
Well, I am not really into clubbing. I don't mind going once in a while just to party a little. It was quite an experience, though. I think I have only been clubbing about 4-5 times in Canada over a period of two years, and mostly it was a society's gathering or event.
As I compared clubbing here and in Canada, I managed to list out a few differences. First, not a single guy approached me at the dance floor here (maybe I wasn't wearing too sexy or revealing *ahem ahem*). Each time I went clubbing in Canada, there will be some caucasian fella dancing with me on the dancefloor (but they get too close sometimes *yuck*). Aih, I am not good enough for asian guys here la *sob*
Second, the compilation of the dance music is not that exciting. They played one song (especially a techno/rave kind) for too long before changing to another tune. It was difficult to get in touch with the beat. So far in Canada, the clubs that I went to played a good mix of songs. Therefore, it was fun to dance. In short, it is not so repetitive and boring.
We were on our way back home at about 2.20 a.m.. There was a road block somewhere along the way thus I only reached home at 3.00 a.m.. However, I was in a near-to-death experience for 10 seconds when my friend swerved the car into the sharp turning at a very high speed. That was ... my heart nearly jumped out. He was not drunk though, just that his friend forgot to indicate the directions earlier and we were all chatting in the car and so, things sort of went out of hand ... that was scary. I could hear the tires screaching, and feel the car tilting a little to the right and ... even my friend who was driving got frightened. He was driving slowly (at 80 km/h) after that. I know he feels guilty because he kept asking me if I was okay and kept apologizing, then again, it wasn't his fault only. It was ours too.
So, that was all that happened last night. I don't go looking for guys in clubs because I know they are not my type. I look for something that lasts, not one-night-stands hehehe.
On Thursday after my bead class, Huey Teng came to pick me up for lunch. We went to SS2 for lunch and chit-chat for about 2 hours. Then, she stopped over at my place to chill and jakun around with my work-of-art jewelry. We were taking silly pictures but thanks to the sexy model, Huey Teng, the pictures were great!
You see, Teng. Your camera is too good until can see those bulu on my hand >_<
And this is like the best photo of both of us so far ... I am so glad! Previously, whenever we took pictures together, it will somehow turn out bad. Aiseh I'm not photogenic enough >_<
My mum invited her to stay for dinner, and so she did. After that, we waited for our dear friend Brenda Gan to reply our countless missed calls and sms-es before heading out for a yum-cha session with her and two other girlfriends at Ming Tien Foodcourt. There, we took silly pictures again. We suck at camwhoring, seriously. That proves the fact that we are not leng luis :p
Weird gap between me and Teng :p
I need to reason some things with myself for the rest of the weekend. I need time to myself to sort some priorities out. This always has to happen, and when you find something that you want, it is out of reach. I am sad that I cannot get what I want. I cannot have what I need ...
Friday, July 22, 2005
Why
I feel so helpless,mum.What more can I do to lift the burden off your shoulders?
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Metaphoric instinct
I found this at Gina's. Something to ponder over...interesting metaphor of love... LOVE is much like a dam: if you allow a tiny crack to form though which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure, and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current. For when those walls come down, then love takes over, and it no longer matters what is possible or impossible; it doesn’t matter whether we can keep the loved one at our side. To love is to lose control. – Paul Coelho, in the book, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
I've been discovered!
Someone has indirectly discovered my blog, haha! Totally unexpected. Google rulez, eh?Now I cannot criticize about SkillsPoint, and must say nice things about my bead instructor, Derek :P *kidding, kidding*
But today's bead class was a little tiring. Maybe lunch was not fulfilling. Maybe I talked too much. Or perhaps it is a sign that I am getting sick :(
But let's see. It has been a while since I posted pictures of my hand-made jewelries. They will be up soon, of course!
In about a month's time, I'll be heading back to Canada for another 8 months of tough studying. What to do, my job now is to "study", and that is all I should concentrate on. After that, I will be coming back to M'sia again for another four months (I don't know what I will be doing then). Even though I went through depressing times before this, and thought that things will never be the same, I am glad that I have managed to climb out of the dark. Once again, I am standing on my own two feet, ready to live life again to the fullest. A more positive approach to life is always the best way of life.
And now that I have learnt lots of cooking from my mum, I can eat more of my favourite home-cooked dishes in Canada. Yum yum! Still, I need to bring over some seasonings and ingredients for boiling soup because I can't buy them there. Ahhhhh.....fooood ^^
Speaking of food, I have to head back to the kitchen to help mum out. Next up will be pictures of my exquisite bead jewelries, haha!
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Money Matters
I am having trouble sleeping at night. I don't know what is the cause. Perhaps my room is too warm. Perhaps my mind cannot come to a rest. It constantly forces me to think. Is it insomnia? I hope I do not have this disease ... it is so tiring and I feel miserable.I do wonder how my working life will be in the future. Truthfully, I never knew why I chose to study engineering. Yes, I am quite a big fan of math and physics. Biology is fine but it does not interest me that much. Fortunately, I did not pursue a degree in life sciences. Then again, I feel that this degree is just a tool for success. To gain more status, to gain more money. Yes, money matters a lot to me in a way that I still need it to fulfill my daily needs. But something is still missing.
All this while, I have always wanted to teach, especially children. I have this yearning to see their enthusiasm, the way they get amused by knowledge, and just participating with them in any kind of activity... I guess this is the only clear thought I had since high school. Hopefully, I will get a chance to teach in the future. One day, I will try to make it happen just for my own sake.
Last night, a friend of mine said he felt lonely. I ... sigh
Suddenly, I realized that all this while I have been pretty lonely as well. Even though I have just turned single a few months ago, I realized that I have burdened myself with loneliness for the past two years because of long-distance relationships. Therefore, I feel that being in a long-distance relationship can't get any worse than being single. Oh well, I was a fool to rush into love like that. My feelings were cheated twice. Stupid me.
Currently, I am just feeling lost. I don't know what to do each day I wake up in the morning, or when I try to go to bed at night. Perhaps I should head back to Canada as soon as possible. Not that I am rushing to go back, but I still have a month and a half before I leave on the jetplane. I do not know if I am escaping from something, but I do know that at least I have a job to do there - STUDY. Living on my own and giving myself some quality time will do me good. Even though I feel lonely, and wish there was someone just more than a friend ... I am afraid to commit again.
When they say open your eyes and see if he's the right one before committing, all I can say is - your eyes can never decipher the truth. You will never find anything until you open up your heart. And that's where the risk is.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Something Stupid
I have been thinking a lot these few days. I keep asking myself these questions that seem to cloud my judgement of the situation. It is either stupid or useless. Both are not good outcomes. Then again, I feel like I am constantly walking towards a dead end, and there is always a choice I have to make in the end - turning back to start anew or wait for a miracle. I have been waiting at the dead end for years, but no miracle came. So yet again, I dream too much, and I hope too hard wishing that one day he will realize that I can be more than that.But I am tired. Maybe dreaming on will keep everything alive for me. If it cannot be that way in reality, let it live on in my dreams. At least, I still have the ability to dream. I will keep hoping. Sometimes, it is better to just hide them lest we lose something more valuable than just love. In the end, it all depends on fate. The people up there who tie the red string of love to two names.
Maybe saying something stupid like I love you won't make a difference because the definition of love is one bloody confusion. After all, what the heck is love? I can understand a mother's love for her child, or a person's love for his pet. But what is this love that pulls men and women together like magnets?
Nevertheless, no point mourning over something stupid like this anymore. For the next two years, I won't be staying put at one place. Until I finally settle down at one place will I think of love again. It does hurt and it is not easy, but I don't want to make the same mistake again. I do not want history to repeat. I have erased any future contacts with you since you want to have nothing to do with me ever again. Yes, I was dumb. Dumb enough to have fallen for a useless guy like you. I bet you are happy that you got something out of our relationship. At least you had nothing to lose. But I did. Well, fuck you.
If only you know how much I need you...
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Take my place.
Last night, dad was drunk. We had dinner at 9.00 p.m. because he was late. When we arrived at The Curve, he realized his wallet was missing. It was a mess. I am not totally against alcohol intake. But taking it without seriously considering the consequences is just not wise. Later, the wallet was found sandwiched in between the car seat and the gear box. How blind can we get, eh.This morning, we had to participate in the MBF Dash for Cash party at The Curve. As usual, dad took his own sweet time to drive and all. I was suffering with my gastric pains already, and I got seriously pissed. That is just too much for me to handle in two days. Then again, my tolerance level was at its lowest. So there, I boomed. Dad was unhappy. I was unhappy. Everyone was angry (except my sis maybe).
I was not too keen on participating with dad in the competition mainly because of my stomach pains. Then again, my mood to join in the fun diminished. Sigh. But in the end, everything was cool. I pushed my anger aside and played the game with dad (well mum and sis joined in too :P).
The competition was divided into two parts for each team of two - a pictorial treasure hunt and funtastic activities. In the pictorial hunt, there were five strips of incomplete pictures of shops in The Curve. Each strip consisted of four pictures representing different shops, and we have to find the correct names of these shops. After completing the first part, we have to do a simple physical task (e.g charades) to proceed to the next set of picture clues. The game ends when all five strips and tasks are completed. Winners are judged based on speed. In the final round, the top five teams will be competing for the RM100,000 cash award.
Mum said we finished within an hour. Hopefully we stand a chance to win some cash :P We have yet to hear the results. No doubt it was fun, but we were all exhausted. I must say, it was a great family event. Mum knew the place quite well, and the four of us worked pretty well as a team. To save time, we actually used cellphones to contact each other.
Well, I was pretty much occupied the whole of yesterday too. Woke up early in the morning to have dim sum with my friends. I didn't eat much because I was still in dreamland. Went for a movie at GSC before 12 p.m. to catch the early bird price. Mr & Mrs Smith was an interesting movie ;) Then, I had lunch with Wincci and the rest at Fish & Co. I shared a seafood platter with Kan Wah. My God, he kept eating the squid tsk tsk tsk. Even though the serving was for one person, I think it was meant for three. It was huge!
Next, I followed William and Kan Wah to Low Yatt Plaza. Agh...that place is so full of people. My head seems to spin whenever I am in a big crowd. I will feel stressed. There was this time when they stopped at a shop to check out the dvd burners, I had to stare long and hard at the green wall just to block out the noise and calm myself. And it was so hard to keep up with those two...they walked so fast! Maybe they have longer legs or something.
I will be heading to Malacca in a few hours to celebrate my grandpa's birthday. Can't wait to see my baby cousins ^^
Saturday, July 02, 2005
That's Jazz, baby!
Back in Canada, Saturdays and Sundays are lazy days for overworked students like me. We can sleep in till noon, have a hearty brunch meal, and settle down for a rest in the lazy afternoon. It's great when you don't have mum waking you up early in the morning :P hehe! Just kidding, I miss being rebellious at home. Sort of miss mum's nagging, you see.Ah, it is so relaxing just listening to jazz on a soft, rainy afternoon. Michael Buble is a great jazz singer. I am addicted to his deep, sexy voice. One day, I hope to meet a hot, romantic guy who can sway with me on the dance floor to some dizzy jazz.
I guess I have nothing much to write today. I just felt like typing something. After sending my sister to piano classes, my parents and I went to view some show houses in Kepong. I liked the concept of this development. Desa Parkcity, Nadia condo, and garden villas. Sunway SPK homes was nice too. They were all very nicely designed. I presume the interior designers are introducing a new homestyle that incorporates some Western lifestyle living into these homes. Also a little touch of Zen-like atmosphere. Perfect. As such, I day dreamed about life in that fancy house.
I would need to find a rich husband then, hehe!
Friday, July 01, 2005
I'm all out of love
When you feel envious of couples who display unconditional love for one another, that is when you know you are out of love.For the past few days, I have been quite busy catching up with old friends. I have been keeping myself occupied these days, and I am thankful for that because restless days will eventually turn into sleepless nights for me. I can sleep well when I am totally exhausted. That is when my mind takes a break from thinking nonsense, dreaming of the impossibles. Then again, I do face constant criticism from my mum for staying out late and not waking up early, and well...the usual stuff. It is weird how parents constantly change their perception towards their children's way of life. I am almost twenty years old. In my humble opinion, I have no objections in letting my mum know what I am doing, where I am, and who I am with. But mum still controls me in a subtle way.
How can you mend a broken heart? Well, maybe the easiest way for me is just falling in love again, or finding another sweetheart. I have to admit, it is difficult to not fall in love. After all, love is such a powerful emotion. An undescribable feeling that bring bliss, yet it can make you cry tears of sorrow. Such an unpredictable world, with complicating emotions of the human heart. Then again, we are living in a place where education and career is of utmost importance too. How does one get it all? Or maybe no one gets everything ... since the old adage says no one is perfect.
But I guess there is one thing that completes me, and that is love. Each time I fall out of love, and brace myself to stand up and accept being single, I will cherish every opportunity that comes forth to mould myself into a better person. Then, one find day, I will see that my life is still empty because I have no one to share my all with. This cycle has been repeated many times, and I am getting quite tired of it. But who can deny the way life goes around?
Sometimes, I really dream of an exotic love, where all he can give me is love, and walks in the spring, holding hands when the leaves fall in autumn with warm love-making on winter's cold night. We live in a materialistic world, that without the existence of security and money, everything else fails ... even love. I guess this is the human world that I have to accept. Or am I just too dependent on love but hey, we all have our preferences to life right?
I guess I really need a new boyfriend. A good one.
about me
Home: KL, Malaysia
School: U of A
I am someone who frets a lot - I call it a psychological disorder. I am constantly trying to escape my complex mind which, very often, drives me and my close companions to the edge of insanity. Born under the sun star Libra, I am greatly affected by a disease called "indecisiveness". Nicknames were never part of my dictionary until I met some people who decided to name me "turtle". Soon, I was representing a zoo of hamsters, "sotongs", pigs, cats, etc...
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