It has been a year and I have ranted quite a hill of posts. I was just reading back some of my previous posts. For some reason, I felt contented. Maybe this was the place I sought refuge after all my painful trials and tribulations over the months.
There were happy times, there were frustrating moments. There were painful moments, and memorable events. From the beginning of my journey till now, they were all jotted down with strength.
Now, everything is taking on a serious toll. Time and age is catching up with me really fast and I feel like I am falling behind. At times, I cannot find myself. I tend to go with the flow lest being the odd gumball. At times, I think to myself, can I get rid of these unstable emotions. The past has never left me a good memory. Happiness is what I feel now, what I am gripping on to each day, trying not to let it go because I fear loneliness. Yes, that is my biggest fear - loneliness. Just when I thought I could stay with my love, he has to leave me. Yet another long-distanced relationship. But I am blessed for having a loving and understanding boyfriend. The only problem is I have to catch with maturity fast or else our relationship won't work out. I actually miss my friends in Canada. Maybe I have been hanging out too much with older people. This holiday has not been all that well for me actually. Next time, I am getting a job.
I was contemplating whether I should get a new skin or not. Somehow, I feel like getting a new one, but I also like this current skin, which is simple and comfy. It really depicts my personality. Suitable. But the urge to get the new one is still there.
I just got back from WowWow cafe at Hartamas with Tse Jian, Kan Wah, Chiak Lung and Jesserina. Actually, I was not in the mood for friends. My aunt got admitted into the hospital. I was frustrated because I was so bored at home. I felt like taking the car out myself to drive around but I did not want to be the disobedient daughter. I miss the hectic studying life. Yet, I don't feel like leaving home too. I miss the food here, my family, the shopping malls, the lifestyle...but deep down, I need the freedom to do my own things. I can be quite a mess, my tantrums are no joke. Learning to control your emotions is hard to do. I tend to release and vent everything out nowadays instead of keeping them in the bottle.
You know how when you are given the same kind of dinner everytime at your friend's house, you get sick? You get bored. You do not fit in all of a sudden at the dinner table. You feel like you rather be alone than to eat the same thing over and over again. Then, you realize it is not your type of dinner. It has become somewhat alien to your tastebuds. Yet, you sit and finish them obediently with a smile on your face because it is a courtesy. Or maybe it is just hypocrisy. No, not that. It is more of compromisation. Or maybe it is just a confusion? Maybe I am picky and weird. And thus, I should be live a hermit's life. Be a recluse. But then again, that does not solve the problem. Sigh.
Dear God... again
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I am currently sitting with a tummy ache in front of my computer, blogging away like the wind. Words are pouring out now. I was not very cheerful today. I did not talk much at supper. I just laughed and tried to hide it, well enough, so that my friends will not think I am weird. Well, it was better than staying at home doing nothing but watch tv or face the computer again after family time is done. I should get some rest. Thanks, bloggie for your company. You have always been a good friend. Good night.
I am someone who frets a lot - I call it a psychological disorder. I am constantly trying to escape my complex mind which, very often, drives me and my close companions to the edge of insanity. Born under the sun star Libra, I am greatly affected by a disease called "indecisiveness". Nicknames were never part of my dictionary until I met some people who decided to name me "turtle". Soon, I was representing a zoo of hamsters, "sotongs", pigs, cats, etc...
